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Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken?

#countries #weight #people #level #health #measures
Nowadays,it is undeniable that non-communicable diseases
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 one of the serious problems ,for the average weight
people
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
growing up,
whereas
level
Add an article
the level
a level
show examples
 of
health
 is facing a downward trend.In the following paragraphs,
cause
Correct article usage
the cause
show examples
 and some sensible solutions will be presented. The main causes of
people
's
health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 are
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
high sugar
Add a hyphen
high-sugar
show examples
 diet and lack of
exercise
.The reason why
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 diet
tend
Change the verb form
tends
show examples
 to have more added sugar is the human brain's tendency to
searching
Wrong verb form
search
show examples
 for carbohydrates.Looking back when we are in
stone
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the stone
show examples
 age,Carbohydrates are
scarcely
Replace the adverb
scarce
show examples
.
In other
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 they are our precious food.
However
 today caloric sweeteners are abundant,
our
Correct word choice
and our
show examples
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
 stuck in the past.
People
 consume carbohydrates more than
proper
Correct article usage
the proper
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 limit causing serious
health
 diseases.
Additionally
,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 lifestyle is not suitable for
exercise
 since most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
workplace
Fix the agreement mistake
workplaces
show examples
 are located in the office providing a few spaces to move.
In addition
,Long hours of work are the main problem for less
exercise
 hours. To solve these problems,Multiorganisation
cocoperation
Correct your spelling
cooperation
co-operation
 is required.
Firstly
 the government should increase taxes
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 added
sugat
Correct your spelling
sugar
 foods forcing
people
 less
choice
Replace the word
choose
show examples
 to consume and
lower
Wrong verb form
lowering
show examples
 the price of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 diet.
Inaddition
Correct your spelling
In addition
,Government could provide more space for
people
 to
exercise
such
 as
park
Correct article usage
a park
show examples
 or gym.
Furthermore
,
Individual
Fix the agreement mistake
Individuals
show examples
also
 have to participate in their own
health
 promotion.They can aim
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
exercise
 at least 150 minutes per week and
have
Verb problem
eat
show examples
 less sugar-added foods ,and they can encourage their acquaintance to have
more healthy
Correct word choice
healthier
show examples
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 as well. In conclusion,
people
's
health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 are the reason
of eat
Change preposition
for eating
show examples
 sugar-added foods and lack of
exercise
.To tackle these problems requires cooperation between government and individual level.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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grammar
Proofread for grammatical errors to enhance clarity (e.g., "non-communicable diseases is" should be "non-communicable diseases are").
punctuation
Avoid run-on sentences by using proper punctuation; this will improve readability and coherence.
examples
Provide specific examples or data to strengthen your arguments (e.g., mention particular sugary foods or sedentary activities).
tone
Maintain a consistent formal tone by avoiding contractions and informal phrases.
structure
Clear, logical structure with a strong introduction and conclusion.
ideas
Ideas are well-developed and relevant to the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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