IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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It is argued that the sports facilities should be increased in number to improve citizens’
health
,
while
 others claim that other initiatives are more essential to be conducted.
While
 I support the idea that installing more sports facilities would help ordinary people to enhance their general
health
, I am more convinced that other effective measures should be taken. On the one hand, people’s general
health
 status could have been improved greatly via exercising. It is proven that working out fastens the amount of oxygen to the brain, helping people be more concentrative and optimistic.
Therefore
, lack of physical exercise or insufficient physical movements one’s working performance may be impacted and less productive.
For example
, Hanoi citizens are reported to be healthier than they were because of the availability of exercise equipment right at the local parts.
However
, I believe that
this
 measure
just
Rephrase
only
show examples
 improves partially not whole the public’s
health
.
On the other hand
, there is a wide range of conducts to
prevents
Wrong verb form
prevent
show examples
 poor
health
 conditions. Improving diet quality is one of the effective measures that should not be neglected.
A good
Remove the article
Good
show examples
 physical
health
 is indeed contributed by many elements, and a full nutrient meal makes consumers stronger and strongly resistant to some diseases. In Vietnam, there used to be a program
of introducing
Change preposition
to introduce
show examples
 milk into daily meals to deter malnutrition
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 children. After 2 years of conducting
this
 campaign, the number of underweight children was minimised noticeably.
Therefore
, I completely advocate other solutions to implement to warrant the public’s general
health
. In conclusion,
although
 launching more sports facilities would benefit the
overall
health
 of citizens, I think that
this
 matter could be addressed better by other methods.
Submitted by khushichhillar on

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task response
Your introduction clearly presents both viewpoints and your own opinion, effectively setting the stage for the essay. However, consider refining your thesis statement to be more explicit about the main points you will discuss in the body.
coherence cohesion
The essay's body paragraphs are well-organized, and the transitions between points are smooth. However, in some places, the flow of ideas could be improved for better coherence. For example, the connection between physical exercise benefits and the example of Hanoi citizens could be more explicitly stated.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph centers around a single idea and that this idea is thoroughly developed and supported with specific examples. While your examples are relevant, make sure to directly tie them back to your main point for clarity.
task response
You have included relevant and specific examples to support your points, which strengthens your response. Try to include more data or studies to provide further evidence for your arguments.
task response
Your conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and restates your opinion, providing a cohesive end to the discussion.
task response
The examples provided, especially concerning Hanoi citizens and the nutritional program in Vietnam, are specific and relevant, adding strength to your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a logical structure, with clear progression from introduction to conclusion and organized body paragraphs.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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