IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
With the development of technology,
smartphones
 have become a huge area of usage in our lives.
While
parents
 use
smartphones
 often,
children
also
 influence them. Some
parents
 see handy as a good way to keep their
children
 calm, which is a huge mistake.    Nowadays many
children
 spend their hours with
smartphones
. There are major negative consequences of using mobile phones, which are unsocial kids and lack of quality knowledge.
Smartphones
 lead to learning
problems
 in
children
. The first years of life are the greatest
time
 to enhance the individual’s character and knowledge about daily life or even about moral rules. Pupils should observe the real world
instead
 of the online world. When
day
 spend most of their
time
 online in a
day
, they learn what they see on social media, which can cause learning manipulative information or memorizing
problems
.
Parents
 should take care of their
children
, not only restrict the online hours but
also
 spend quality
time
 with their
children
.
Moreover
, one of the greatest
problems
 about the high rate of smartphone use is asocial kids.
Day
 by
day
 online devices getting
children
's comfort zones. When they are trying the socialize in real life it might lead to feeling anxiety.
According to
 the
last
 research, it is observed that 60% of the
children
 have
problems
 with making new friends. In conclusion, high amount of rates spending
time
 with mobile phones has negative effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the kids. If
parents
 want to raise well-educated and social
children
, they should protect their
children
 from the negative effects of smart devices.
Submitted by xxxx17 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve the task response, make sure to directly answer the questions posed by the prompt in a clear and comprehensive manner. Include more relevant specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
For a better logical structure, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, ensure that the introduction clearly outlines what the essay will cover, and the conclusion neatly summarizes the main points while reiterating the stance taken.
task achievement
To enhance the clarity of your ideas, each paragraph should focus on a single main point, and that point should be clearly articulated at the beginning of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The writer has made an effort to answer both parts of the question.
task achievement
The essay communicates the general argument well, despite minor grammatical errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: