IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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With the development of technology,
smartphones
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 have become a huge area of usage in our lives.
While
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parents
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 use
smartphones
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 often,
children
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also
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 influence them. Some
parents
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 see handy as a good way to keep their
children
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 calm, which is a huge mistake.    Nowadays many
children
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 spend their hours with
smartphones
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. There are major negative consequences of using mobile phones, which are unsocial kids and lack of quality knowledge.
Smartphones
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 lead to learning
problems
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 in
children
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. The first years of life are the greatest
time
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 to enhance the individual’s character and knowledge about daily life or even about moral rules. Pupils should observe the real world
instead
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 of the online world. When
day
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 spend most of their
time
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 online in a
day
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, they learn what they see on social media, which can cause learning manipulative information or memorizing
problems
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.
Parents
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 should take care of their
children
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, not only restrict the online hours but
also
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 spend quality
time
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 with their
children
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.
Moreover
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, one of the greatest
problems
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 about the high rate of smartphone use is asocial kids.
Day
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 by
day
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 online devices getting
children
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's comfort zones. When they are trying the socialize in real life it might lead to feeling anxiety.
According to
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 the
last
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 research, it is observed that 60% of the
children
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 have
problems
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 with making new friends. In conclusion, high amount of rates spending
time
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 with mobile phones has negative effects
to
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on
show examples
 the kids. If
parents
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 want to raise well-educated and social
children
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, they should protect their
children
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 from the negative effects of smart devices.
Submitted by xxxx17 on

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task achievement
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coherence cohesion
For a better logical structure, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, maintaining a logical flow throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although an introduction and conclusion are present, ensure that the introduction clearly outlines what the essay will cover, and the conclusion neatly summarizes the main points while reiterating the stance taken.
task achievement
To enhance the clarity of your ideas, each paragraph should focus on a single main point, and that point should be clearly articulated at the beginning of the paragraph.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The writer has made an effort to answer both parts of the question.
task achievement
The essay communicates the general argument well, despite minor grammatical errors.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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