IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case ? Do you think this is a positive or a negative delvelopment ?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #delvelopment
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Today's
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In today's
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 world, technology has become
integral
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an integral
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 part of our lives and
people's
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people
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 can
life
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live
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 without it. The
reacher
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researcher has
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 seen that
alots
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a lot
 of kids
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have illness
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illness
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illnesses
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as a result
addiction
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of addiction
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on
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to
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 their
smartphones
. In my opinion the negative
overweight
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outweighs
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 the positive. In
this
essay
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essay,
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 I will explain why the drawbacks
more
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are more
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than then
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then
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the
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 benefits. First of all, technology
have
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has
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 impacted
in
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apply
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our lives
particularly
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, particularly
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smartphones
 . Occasionally, our
children
 unfortunately addicted
on
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to
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smartphones
as a result
 a lot of
children
wearing
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wear
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 glasses
in small
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at a young
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 age and
smartphones
destroyed
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destroy
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 their health mentally and physically.
For example
, the researchers
seen
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have seen
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 in
this
 generation their health has declined . For that
reason
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reason,
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 doctors advised parents not
allow
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to allow
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children
 to use
smartphones
 under two years because it destroyed their minds and brains. Secondary, Even though a straightforward from
smartphones
 disadvantages but
also
their
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there
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 are a lot of benefits from
this
 device . The advantages
from
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of
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 phones if they
used
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use
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it
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them
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in
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for
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limited
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a limited
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 time and with monitors from their parents
.
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For
for instance
, if
children
used
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use
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 a good program and
played
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play
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 a good game which
developed
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develops
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 their skills and creativity they
could
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can
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 learn from that game how to solve problems and they will gain more experience and knowledge about the world. In conclusion, Despite there are
drewbacks
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
about
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to
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smartphones
also
 there are benefits. In my
opinion
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opinion,
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 parents should monitor their kids and teach them how to use technology devices in good ways.
Submitted by a.almakmari93 on

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task achievement
Improve grammar and sentence structure. Some sentences are awkward, e.g., "the reacher seen that alots of kids..."
coherence cohesion
Develop a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main points, e.g., "This essay will explore the various reasons for this trend and discuss why the negative impacts outweigh the positive ones."
task achievement
Provide more specific examples. For instance, when mentioning educational apps, name particular apps and describe their impact.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas, e.g., "Moreover," "Furthermore," "On the other hand,"
task achievement
The essay topic is fully addressed, discussing both reasons for smartphone use and the positive and negative aspects.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a conclusion that summarizes the points made, reinforcing the final opinion.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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