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Writing Samples
Band 4

some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together, To what extent dou you agree of disagree wtih this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages #dou #wtih
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It is often believed that
music
 is a good method to connect individuals from a variety of nations or stages of life. I totally agree with
this
 statement and will discuss my opinion in
this
 essay with relevant examples.
To begin
 with, it is evident that
music
 is a universal language regardless of different origins or language barriers.
Therefore
, in many social or communal
gathering
Fix the agreement mistake
gatherings
show examples
such
 as festivals, concerts or family programs
music
 plays a central role. More than that,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of occasion
people
 tend to enjoy
music
 from different regions.
For instance
, Most of the marriage programs of Bangladesh
celebrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
celebrate
show examples
 with
hindi
Change the capitalization
Hindi
show examples
 songs of various artists of India.
Moreover
, a
muscial
Correct your spelling
musical
 play with deep emotional meaning can evoke strong emotions of all ages and backgrounds.
For example
, songs composed about family bonds always make audiences feel related to it. In
recent
Add an article
the recent
show examples
 era,
people
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 using
music
 as a therapy for those
people
 who has to cope with various physical and emotional challenges. In fact, lots of patients have found their health becomes better physically and mentally thanks to
this
 method. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
music
 can create bonds between
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 of diverse countries or ages through plays, songs or
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any other forms. Not only that, it can
also
 help
people
 to recover from their variant physical and mental issues.
Submitted by ciyegof884 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure to develop your paragraphs thoroughly. Each main point should be elaborated upon with enough detail to clearly showcase its relevance to the question.
coherence cohesion
In order to improve clarity, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all supporting sentences are directly related to it.
coherence cohesion
Utilise a wider range of connective words and phrases to link ideas within and between sentences and paragraphs to improve your score in coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
For full task achievement, ensure that your essay fully addresses all parts of the prompt with elaborate discussion and examples.
task achievement
Increase the specificity and relevance of examples to strengthen the essay. While the given examples are on the right track, they could be more detailed and closer tied to your arguments for better task achievement.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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