IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Improving living conditions within society is a far superior approach to crime prevention than the threat of punishment. To what extent do you agree with this statement and why?

#conditions #society #approach #crime #prevention #threat #punishment
The debate about whether improving the life quality of
people
 in society is a more effective approach to
crime
 prevention than the threat of
punishment
 is a prominent one.
This
 essay will discuss both views and state my own opinion. To elaborate, it can not be denied that a better life leads to a lower
crime
rate
due to
 the fact that
people
, especially low-income, do not have to struggle for a living. Improving living conditions, including securing access to food, clean water, shelter and utilities, will help
citzens
Correct your spelling
citizens
 focus more on something else
such
 as self-improvement rather than committing a
crime
. An evidence example can be seen from a developed country
such
 as Switzerland, one of the best countries for quality of life, that with higher living conditions, the
crime
rate
 ranges from very low to non.
This
 will
also
 reduce the inequality in our society.
Nevertheless
, a strong
punishment
 should be addressed by the authorities to lower the
crime
rate
. Without it,
people
 will not be scared to do something illegal.
Additionally
, living in prison is better than living out for certain
people
;
however
, a fine is just a penny to some
people
.
As a consequence
, the threat of
punishment
 needs to be conducted strongly in order to prevent
people
 from committing a
crime
. In Japan,
for example
, they have a very strong
punishment
 for illegal actions;
therefore
, they become one of the lowest
crime
 rates countries in the world. In my point of view, the government can address to problems contributing to
crime
 by both improving living conditions to be better than prison for certain
people
 and imposing a strong
punishment
. With both of them, the
crime
rate
 will eventually decrease and make
this
 world a better place to live.
Submitted by bellchatpavee on

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task response
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both improving living conditions and strong punishment. However, it can benefit from a clearer focus on one viewpoint to strengthen the position. A more explicit stance and additional examples relevant to each argument would enhance the depth of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay is generally well-structured, there are minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, 'an evidence example' and 'Swiss' should be rephrased for better readability. Pay attention to refining sentence structures and word choices for a smoother flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow the argument.
task response
Relevant and specific examples, such as Switzerland and Japan, are used to support the main points. This aids in illustrating the arguments effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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