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Band 7.5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?

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Health
 problems including heart disease, obesity and diabetes are becoming more widespread in developed countries. There are several reasons contributing to
this
 problem,
as well as
 potentially drastic long-term effects. Lifestyle choices are important and major causes of poor
health
 in developed countries. These days, it is perhaps easier and cheaper to follow an unhealthy diet.
For example
, the recent boom in fast-food restaurants and chains has enticed people to eat at these establishments rather than cooking healthy meals at home. Stress is another factor that has contributed to poor
health
. The fast-paced corporate culture and competitive work atmospheres make for a difficult work-life balance, resulting in little to no time for eating healthy or taking care of oneself. These lifestyle choices will have drastic long-term effects. If generations continue to partake in these unhealthy habits, they will continue on for generations to come.
For instance
, parents who have diabetes or are prone to obesity have a higher chance of passing these conditions on to their children, and so on.
Consequently
, these
health
 problems could result in a higher cost of living.
Due to
 increased demand for services, it is only natural that the healthcare industry would change higher prices to its clients, resulting in higher costs. Poor lifestyle choices, ranging from unhealthy diets and higher stress, have certainly contributed to the decrease in
health
 standards. If not properly taken care of, these problems could cause harmful long-term effects to future generations in terms of disease and a higher cost of living.
Submitted by mohammad39 on

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Style
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Content
Consider integrating more specific examples and data to strengthen your arguments and make your points more convincing.
Conclusion
Develop your conclusion further by summarizing key points more clearly and suggesting potential solutions or actions that could be taken.
Structure
You have done well in maintaining a clear structure, with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion.
Relevance
Good job on clearly presenting your argument and sticking to the topic throughout the essay.
Examples
The use of examples like fast-food consumption and stress related to work-life balance helps illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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