IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

in some areas of the US, a curefew is imposed, in which teenangers are not allowed to beo out doors after particular time at night unless they are accompanied by an adult. what is your opinion about this?

#areas #curefew #teenangers #beo #doors #time #night #adult
It is a fact that in some areas of the United States, time regulations for children are placed, where teenagers can not go out of their homes without the presence of an adult.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there are some exemptions, I believe it is key to controlling violence and
crimes
. The first reason for my view,
although
 there are some situations,
such
 as young kids that are part of the workforce and are members of working programs which involve them working until late, I believe the implementation of
this
 regulation is the best way to control the number of
crimes
 and violence. It is commonly known that when teenagers start committing
crimes
 at an early stage of their life, is almost impossible to recover them from that situation.
For instance
, in Argentina, most of the kids who were involved in
crimes
, years later are the main heads of big bands. Another reason from my perspective, staying at home with their parents, they will have the opportunity to be well educated and learn precious
values
 from their family, which is really important for a person who is growing.
Moreover
, having
values
 and education will be a huge contribution to the community in the future.
For example
, a survey made in Uruguay has shown that 98% of children who were educated with
values
 had a great professional career.
To sum up
,
this
 essay has argued why the implementation of time regulation for children going out can help with dropping the number of
crimes
 and violence on the streets, and
also
 why is key to have good education and
values
 at home for developing a great future.
Submitted by jimeilaria on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your essay presents a clear opinion and supports it with relevant arguments. However, the task response could be improved by elaborating on your points more comprehensively and providing additional relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, ensure that each paragraph clearly focuses on a single idea that ties back to your main thesis. Additionally, make smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Provide a more detailed introduction and conclusion. The introduction should set up the context of your discussion more thoroughly, while the conclusion should summarize your points and restate your opinion more clearly.
task response
Your arguments are relevant to the topic and demonstrate a good understanding of the issues involved.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay, with clear paragraphs, is a strong point.
task response
The use of examples, such as mentioning Argentina and Uruguay, effectively supports your main points and adds credibility to your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: