IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #governments #support #people #care
Nowadays, there are people who suppose that the government have to help with the money for the elderly, whilst others are convinced that all of the people have to
concern
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be concerned
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to
Change preposition
about
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 their status by themselves. In
this
 essay, I'll discuss both points of view, and try to explain my own. First of all, I'm interested in talking about the government's responsibility towards pensioners. We have to remember, that the working layer of the population is the layer of taxpayers and, in
another word
Fix the agreement mistake
other words
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, they are the basis of the budget.
Moreover
, the average citizen are paying the taxes for 3 decades at least. So, I'm convinced, we can't say them - your retirement budget is only your problem, thank you for working hard for 30 years, see you at your funeral. In conclusion of
this
 paragraph - all the countries around the world have to convey the law for pensioners' protection, to
compulsory
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the compulsory
a compulsory
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 minimal monthly payment to the pension fund during their life.
On the other hand
, we have to be responsible for our own lives, not only to hope for somebody else. If you want something to be done well - do it yourself. So, all of us have to pay to any special private fund. It will help us to be independent after retirement. In my humble opinion, the best option would be the mix of two points of view. The government have to take its part of responsibility,
as well as
 dwellers have to think about themselves during their lives. Eventually, we will have a generation of independent and happy pensioners.
Submitted by anastasia on

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Coherence & Cohesion
The essay demonstrates a reasonable structure and flow. Improve logical structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. Consider integrating more transitional phrases to enhance coherence and connection between points.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task and both views. Strengthen the response by providing more detailed arguments and specific examples to support each viewpoint. This will make your essay more comprehensive.
Task Achievement
Clarify and expand on your own opinion. Making it more explicit and detailed will contribute to a higher score.
Coherence & Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a strong framework for the essay.
Task Achievement
The essay makes an effort to discuss both viewpoints and to provide a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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