Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

It is considered by some that
competition
in
classroom
Add an article
the classroom
a classroom
show examples
can be disadvantageous to students,
whereas
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
argue that it can make them eager to learn new things.
Although
it can cause mental stress on children's
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
, I personally think that learning in
such
an environment can increase their attention toward lessons. On the one hand, there is too much pressure on kids to do better and stand out among peers.
This
can cause them a serious problem in their
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
life that can create mental health problems too.
Also
, too much
competition
can rob
off
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a children
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
of their childhood and playfulness.
Additionally
, there can
also
be development of enmity among peers which will deprive them of making any valuable connections.
For instance
, in India suicide rates
rockets
Fix the agreement mistake
rocket
show examples
during exam seasons and at the time of result.
On the other hand
, when students are faced with
competition
, they feel like they are being challenged and
therefore
, do their best to outshine the rest of the classmates. It causes them
listen
Add the particle
to listen
show examples
to the teachers more, attend classes regularly and diligently
completely
Change the word
complete
show examples
their assignments on time. They are
also
inclined to do extra
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
and volunteer
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
inorder
Correct your spelling
in order
show examples
to gain extra credits which will not only make their report cards better but
also
aid in their future
endeavors
Change the spelling
endeavours
show examples
.
For example
, Indian and
chinese
Change the capitalization
Chinese
show examples
are the most high ranking students in the world
due to
the extensive
competition
they
are face
Change the verb form
are faced
show examples
with in their schools. In conclusion,
competition
might be the cause of mental illnesses in children,
however
, it can cultivate a child's mind into a greater one by training it harder at the same time. So, with a careful approach, a student can take advantage of a
competitve
Correct your spelling
competitive
environment.
Submitted by az09jimzz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay addresses both sides of the argument and includes relevant examples, it could benefit from a bit more elaboration on how exactly competition can stress children. Also, ensure to explain why you personally find the positive aspects of competition more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the transition between points to enhance fluidity. Using more transitional phrases will make your essay more coherent. Also, tightening up the structure a bit will make it easier to follow.
language accuracy
Watch out for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasings, like 'rob off' instead of 'rob of,' and 'completely their assignments' instead of 'completing their assignments'. These can distract the reader.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view and you’ve included valid points for both sides which makes your essay well developed and thorough.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and wrap your essay up neatly. They provide a strong starting and ending point to your arguments.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: