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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Young people who commit crimes should be treated in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
In today's world of technology and modernisation, the crime rate has started shooting up. The main reason for the high amount of crime rate is
people
 are vulnerable and can easily fall into the trap. In the essay, I will discuss whether is it worth punishing teenagers in the same way
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 adults. In my opinion, young
people
 can change their behaviour if someone will help them . On the one hand,if governments will treat
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everyone regardless of age,
then
 more crimes will be committed than in the past.
Nevertheless
, if they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
find the reason why young
people
 commit crimes and try to solve them, after some time they will be an exemplary society.
For instance
, children who were born into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor family they ought to steal to find food to live on,
for
this
reason
Add a comma
reason,
show examples
 when executives develop
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 economy, the number of robberies will decrease.
On the other hand
, young
people
 have a lack of maturity and limited understanding to comprehend the repercussions of their actions. Notwithstanding that, their negative conduct can be altered by means
such
 as rehab centres and medication. The government should focus on re-educating and re-socializing offenders
instead
 of using punishments.
For instance
, numerous European nations provide rehabilitation facilities for individuals under 18 who have committed crimes, with a success rate of 93%. In conclusion, juvenile offenders should not treated under the same conditions
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 adults,
due to
 their unstable psyche and some family issues.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task response
The essay addresses the task effectively and provides a clear stance. However, ensure to avoid general statements and focus on developing more specific arguments for each point.
coherence cohesion
Although the essay has a logical structure and is coherent, paying more attention to transitions between paragraphs can improve the flow. Use linking phrases to clarify the connections between your ideas.
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present and effectively outline the main arguments.
supported main points
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, such as the example of European nations' rehabilitation success rate, which strengthens the argument.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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