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Band 5

you're people should be treated like adults if they commit a crime. in what extent do I agree or disagree

#re #people #adults #crime
Many teenagers commit crimes but get treated differently than
adult’s
Change noun form
adult
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 criminals. Despite that many
people
 think
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 important to punish the younger generation in the same
way
 as adults, I would argue that it is not fair and logical. Younger
people
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people's
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 brain functions differently and punishing them in the same
way
 as older
people
 will be a lot damaging
for
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to
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 their future careers. Studies
has
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have
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 shown that the
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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 of
children
 still need to develop more and
reacts
Correct subject-verb agreement
react
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 to situations differently because of their young age. Punishing a child
lie
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like
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 an adult may cause them to have trauma because of the complicated space where they will have to be
at
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apply
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.
Children
 need small adjustments in their needs to already realize that they will not act the same
way
 again.
For instance
, when
children
 break the rules made by their parents, just being grounded or refusing game time will make them learn to not do the act because they would like to have those privileges.
However
,
this
 same punishment won’t work on an older person.
Furthermore
,
by
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apply
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punishing
children
 like older
people
 and in most cases ending up in
jails
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jail
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, will mess with their future not only
work related
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work-related
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 but
as well for
Rephrase
also
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 college applications. Sometimes
children
 like to get their
parent
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parents
show examples
 attention and would do that for any cost. So
by
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apply
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addressing the main issue and reason that pushed
this
 child to commit a crime, something that isn’t easy to realize for their brain development, is the solution.
To conclude
,
children
 are different
then
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than
show examples
 adults, physically and mentally and is
therefore
 impossible to punish them the same
way
. Each group category should be treated differently and mostly helped to not break their future.
Submitted by ouazilhakima010 on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic, arguing against treating teenagers the same as adults when they commit crimes. However, some points could be expanded with more specific examples and detailed arguments to fully convey your reasoning. For instance, discussing the potential long-term negative consequences on children's futures with specific examples would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is sufficiently supported by reasons and examples. Some sections, while clear, could benefit from further elaboration to add depth to the argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is structured logically, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the paragraph discussing the differences in brain development could lead more directly into examples of appropriate consequences for young offenders.
coherence cohesion
Review the transitions between paragraphs to ensure that each point flows naturally into the next. This will improve the overall coherence and readability of your essay.
task achievement
The introduction clearly states your position on the topic, setting the stage for the subsequent arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates the argument presented in the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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