IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that governments should pay for healthcare and education, but others disagree with this opinion. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The forthcoming American
president
Replace the word
presidential
show examples
 election has put the issue to the front again of whether
governments
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
expenses
Use synonyms
. From my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 is the inherent duty of
governments
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the extent to which
governments
Use synonyms
 can share the responsibility with their
citizens
Use synonyms
 needs to be thoroughly examined. Before expounding on the reasons for involving
people
Use synonyms
 in paying for
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
, I would like to explain why these are primarily
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 duties.
According to
Linking Words
 Hobbes, the writer of Leviathan, the only reason that
governments
Use synonyms
 can utilise to justify their existence is that they ensure the welfare of
people
Use synonyms
 who agree to renounce part of their freedom and submit to
governments
Use synonyms
' regulation. In the 21st century, welfare definitely includes
education
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
, and
hence
Linking Words
citizens
Use synonyms
 have every reason to ask their
governments
Use synonyms
 to pay for relevant
expenses
Use synonyms
. More compelling than a political theory is the practice of many European countries, for illustration, France, where the
government
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 covers over 60% of
healthcare
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 costs and almost all
education
Use synonyms
expenses
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I insist that
governments
Use synonyms
 must pay for
healthcare
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 and
education
Use synonyms
expenses
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.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, to
governments
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 duty must be limited for
otherwise
Linking Words
, they are likely to collapse.
Governments
Use synonyms
 have many functions, like defending territory
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and protecting their
citizens
Use synonyms
' safety, which all take resources.
For
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 reason, if they invest excessively in
education
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 or
healthcare
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, other basic needs can not be met, which can result in serious consequences. Sri Lanka is a compelling example. Its
government
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 poured the amount of funds that
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 could not afford into the welfare system, leading to the bankruptcy of the national bank in 2022, which
further
Linking Words
 provoked large-scale riots.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is reasonable that
governments
Use synonyms
 invite
people
Use synonyms
 to share the cost of
education
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
. To summarise, it is
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 inherent duty to provide
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 to their
citizens
Use synonyms
 at a relatively low cost.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, in order to ensure
governments
Use synonyms
 can operate well, it is
also
Linking Words
 reasonable for
governments
Use synonyms
 to shift parts of
education
Use synonyms
 costs to
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
You've done a commendable job maintaining a balanced discussion about a complex topic. However, your introduction mentions the American presidential election, which is not directly related to the argument about governmental responsibility for healthcare and education. Try to remain focused on the central topic from the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion is effective, but it could be strengthened by summarizing the main arguments more clearly and providing a final, impactful statement. This can help reiterate your stance and leave a lasting impression on the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, and each paragraph flows logically to the next. The use of real-world examples, such as the mention of France and Sri Lanka, is effective in supporting your arguments.
task achievement
Your arguments are clear and comprehensive. The explanations for both sides of the argument are relevant and well-detailed.
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