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Writing Samples
Band 7

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #advantage #situation
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Nowadays, some nations have young
adults
 more than old
people
, the advantage of
this
phenomenon
 is the strong
economy
, and one of the advantages is the deficiency of employment, in my point of view I think that that advantage outweighs the disadvantages. The downside of the statement is unemployment if young
people
 in one
country
 are more than old ones that's what leads to fights over jobs, the combination of young
adults
 will increase more and that will decrease the income in that
country
due to
 the lack in jobs, a recent study in some countries found that the countries that have a large number of young
adults
 are prone to unemployment, we can avoid
this
phenomenon
 by introducing
people
 to E-commerce to solve the unemployment issue.
On the other hand
, the advantage of
this
phenomenon
 is that the
country
 will have an excellent
economy
, that's by having large and exciting
adults
people
 to work and develop their
country
,
hence
, young
people
 have the passion two increase the output of their
country
, a prime example is Dubai, it is one of the most successful nations in the world, they have strong
economy
due to
 figure of young
people
 there,
however
, having a significant number of
adults
 will lead to a viable and successful
country
 with a strong
economy
.
To conclude
, the number of young
people
 in some nations over the old
people
 is a good
phenomenon
 and the advantages (strong
economy
) outweigh the advantages (lack of environment) in
this
 essay.
Submitted by zakiahanafy1 on

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task achievement
Your essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which is good. However, in the body paragraphs, try to develop your ideas more fully and provide stronger supporting examples to enhance the clarity and relevance of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of your essay. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly to the next with clear logical connectors. This will make your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
Good job on providing a clear introduction and conclusion. This helps to frame your essay and guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
You have adequately addressed the task by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of having a large number of young adults compared to older people.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay shows potential with a balanced view on the topic. Keep practicing to improve the clarity and depth of your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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