IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

You came to know about a piece of equipment that would help you at your workplace. Write a letter to your manager. In your letter – describe the equipment – explain how it might be useful at your workplace – offer help in purchasing it

#piece #equipment #workplace #manager #offer
Dear Mike, I have noticed that our client businesses are inviting many of our colleagues on long business requirement gathering calls which is good for our business as clients are building more trust in our employees .
Although
, Sometimes it is quite tiring for our staff to take back-to-back calls from the desk. I have noticed colleagues raising
this
 concern in office forums for the same. I want to propose an idea to shift office headset type from regular wired headsets to Bluetooth
headset
Fix the agreement mistake
headsets
show examples
. Regular wired headphones limit
users
Change noun form
users'
user's
show examples
 mobility and leave you with no choice, but Bluetooth headphones give you a mobility advantage and employees can move around cubicles and go for coffee breaks without getting off business calls.
While
 doing online comparisons among different Bluetooth headphones brands. We have identified Sony offers the best deals for corporate buying.
Additionally
, their device's user review mentions good connectivity and reliability when compared to other manufacturers. I would request you to check Sony's offering from their official website and I am looking forward to hearing from you. Yours sincerely, Sandeep
Submitted by sandeepniet17 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the letter covers the key points required by the task, it could be enhanced by providing a more detailed description of the equipment and elaborating on its specific features.
coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and ideas flow smoothly from one to the next.
task achievement
The tone of the letter is appropriate for a formal business context, showing respect and professionalism.
coherence cohesion
The letter is structured with distinct paragraphs, each addressing a different aspect of the task.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • state-of-the-art
  • ergonomic
  • cost-effective
  • streamline processes
  • boost productivity
  • enhance efficiency
  • high-quality
  • integrate into our workflow
  • ROI (return on investment)
  • implement
  • facilitate
  • procurement
What to do next:
Look at other essays: