IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

(VMN)Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, government should focus on reducing environment pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#vmn #people #illness #disease #government #focus #environment #pollution
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It is often believed that environmental pollution and housing are major
problems
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 that the
government
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 should invest in to reduce illness and disease. I partially agree with
this
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, for an accelerating level of pollutants
as well as
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 crowded buildings make illness more widespread and serious regardless of the fact that the medical advancement of technology should rather be focused on promoting public health. On the one hand, the growing environmental destruction and housing
problems
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 should be tackled by the
government
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 since they seriously affect the well-being of
people
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.
In other words
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, the damage has already reached a point beyond the control of humans, as illness spreads faster and poses more severe effects.
For example
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, the increasing level of CO2 and harmful chemicals
such
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 as nitrogen emitted from transports and factories causes more breathing
problems
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, especially for seniors and children.
Thus
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, the
government
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 should concentrate on
this
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 issue since it is
also
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 aggravated by the congestion of housing, which allows the spread of infectious
diseases
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 faster, preventing
people
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 from having a healthy life.
On the other hand
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, progress in medical fields should be encouraged to reduce health
problems
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 for
people
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 because of their direct impact on healing pains and other symptoms. Indeed, medicines are created to kill a certain virus which is the very cause of severe headaches and continuous coughs, making
people
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 suffer for prolonged periods of time. To illustrate
this
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, a pill called Megicon is known to be highly effective in ameliorating coughs and fever, which allows
people
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 to control various symptoms.
Therefore
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, the
government
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 should invest more in medical treatment so
people
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 can recover from serious
diseases
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 more easily than other methods. In conclusion, I somewhat agree that governments should first solve environmental and housing issues as
diseases
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 spread faster and
people
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 show harsher symptoms.
However
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, medical advancement is significant for
people
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 to control
diseases
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 more effortlessly.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
Your response is clear and comprehensive, addressing the task prompt effectively. However, you could improve by providing more specific examples and elaborating on certain points.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is solid, with a clear progression of ideas. Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that transitions are smooth for even better flow.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear outline of your stance and summarizing your points effectively.
task achievement
The essay covers both aspects of the question, balancing your partial agreement and supporting your ideas with relevant examples.
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