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Band 6

Some governments spend a lot of public money training individuals to be successful in international sporting events. Some people believe that this money should be spent on things that will benefit the general public instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#governments #money #individuals #events #people #benefit
There is no denying the fact that some
people
 think the
government
 should spend public
money
 on fitness
people
 but others think not to.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that the
government
 must spend all the
money
 to train the fitness
people
 to win many tournaments others think that they should spend the
money
 on things more beneficial, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that the
government
 should put their
money
 on something more beneficial.
To begin
 with, the
government
 should invest their
money
 in something more beneficial.
In other words
, they should support all kinds of
people
 and give everybody a chance.
In addition
, all
people
 have hidden talents but they do not have
the
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enough
money
 to explore them.
For example
, there are researchers at Cambridge University said that 90% of
people
 in Saudi Arabia have a hidden talent but as soon as they get the
money
, they will explore it well. Another point to consider, the
government
 must help all unemployed
people
 in the country. It is
also
 possible to say that they must support them with
money
 or open new kinds of jobs for them.
Moreover
, they are suffering because they did not find any job and can not live like the average human in their country.
For instance
, in Saudi Arabia there are 80% of
people
 do not have a job because the jobs are full of employers. In conclusion,
people
 have different answers to
this
 question. I tend to believe that it is true that the
government
 should put a lot of public
money
 into the
people
 who need it
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This adds credibility and clarity to your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly links to the previous one to improve the overall flow and coherence.
task achievement
Consider addressing potential counterarguments to demonstrate a balanced perspective. This could further enrich your essay.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the debate and your position, providing a solid framework for your essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your stance and reinforces the main argument of your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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