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Band 6

Many people are involved in sports when they are young but stop once they are adults why do many adults stop doing physical exercise ? what can be done about this problem ?

#people #sports #adults #exercise
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Participation in sports works as a cure for mental and physical illness. Some individuals embrace games from a very young age,
while
 at a certain age period of adulthood, they completely inhibit
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 a game. Both reasons and solutions for
this
 problem will be discussed before a reasoned conclusion. Physical activity is the first companion of every child
instead
 of a mature person.
Firstly
, most of the grown-up
persons
Replace the word
people
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 are employed in certain companies.
Due to
 a 9-to-5 working hours job or long hours shift, grown-ups cannot find extra time for body stretching exercises.
Along with
 work, they have to take care of their loved ones and add the financial constraints of the entire family
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their shoulders.
For instance
, working mothers are busy
among
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their personal and professional responsibilities, from nourishing their kids to submitting office projects timely. So, is it possible for them to brace for
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
 sports activities?
Moreover
, interest varies in the adult age as few are more attracted towards shopping or going to theatres to watch movies.
In addition
, PlayStations are popular among young ones as adolescents spend thousands of dollars to purchase these gaming tools.
Hence
, 3D effects and escapism make their preference more than outdoor involvement in real tournaments. In spite of there being multiple causes to cater to, many solutions are provided to these causes.
To begin
 with, higher authorities would start awareness campaigns for the benefits of athletic games and how continuous
practicing
Change the spelling
practising
show examples
 can lead to good posture and better health.
Also
, if minimum wages could be upscaled,
then
 middle-class employees would be able to devote some time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their physical fitness.
Furthermore
, children mimic their parents whether it is good or bad.
Similarly
, if they inspire or help their kids in active involvement in different physical recreation,
then
 it proves to be a great step to change future life with more upcoming sportsmen or women from each nation.
Overall
, if all the approaches stated above are religiously followed, there will be a promising trend in more involvement of outdoor games among adults that would be beneficial for both participants and the country.
Submitted by sarabjeetk8899 on

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task achievement
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coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, you already have a clear structure, but ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to enhance the logical flow.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction that outlines the problem and promises a reasoned conclusion, which is well-achieved.
clear comprehensive ideas
The essay uses varied vocabulary and sentence structures, making the ideas comprehensible and varied.
supported main points
The main points in the essay are well-supported and relate back to the question, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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