IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

#idea #people #age
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In today’s society, elderly
people
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 decide to stay at their
work
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, even though they are not in a productive age anymore. I personally agree with that statement for several reasons. On the one hand, the first reason why elderly
people
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 must go to
work
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 in their old era is because
while
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 they
work
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, their bodies have to move.
As a result
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, old
people
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 will have a healthy body, which will help them energized in daily life.
Furthermore
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, going to
work
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 will provide good brain health because they have to finish their job, which encourages them to remember something related to their job.
People
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 who
work
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 until their old age, in real-life conditions tend to be more independent and not trouble their families.
On the other hand
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, the other reason is that working encouraged them to have a good mental health condition and be far from stress. In office life, they have a chance to socialize and connect with many
people
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, Which helps them to take and share their experiences. Meanwhile, staying at home compels them to talk to themselves and generally makes them bored and stressed.
For example
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, many libraries in developed countries have a program to unite elderly
people
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 near the library area to have book sharing sessions and those activities really catch old
people
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's attention.
Hence
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, the old
people
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 look to meet new
people
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 to talk about everything. In conclusion, there are many arguments that old
people
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 have to
work
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 for several reasons. Going to the office encourages the elderly to have good health conditions and stress release.
Submitted by yannn on

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coherence cohesion
Enhance logical transitions between paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support the points made, particularly in the second paragraph.
task achievement
Clarify some ideas further to ensure they are communicated as comprehensively as possible, such as the benefits of socializing at work.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the argument well.
task achievement
Good effort in addressing reasons why elderly should work, accompanied by varied justifications and supporting points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
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