IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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The mainstream view says that more convenience creates lazy people.
While
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 prosperous nations provide an easy lifestyle to their citizens, more adolescents are becoming victims of obesity because of junk
foods
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 and less physical activity, and eventually results in issues,
such
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 as unhealthy
youth
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 and hindered careers.
To begin
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 with, economically advanced countries have established the system for instant accessibility of processed
foods
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 which is the prime reason
youth
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 are becoming fat and unhealthy.
Additionally
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,
due to
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 technological advancements, the
youth
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 generation is equipped with the latest devices which results in them engaging in indoor activities rather than physical activities.
For example
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, it was observed that many teenagers in the United States of America are playing video games,
while
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 consuming huge amounts of junk
foods
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,
such
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 as burgers and Coca-Cola.
Hence
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, it is believed that smooth access to fast
foods
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 is one of the main causes of prevailing
youth
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 obesity. Having excess fat in the body can lead to numerous health-related issues
such
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 as fatty liver, hypertension and many more diseases.
Moreover
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, it can deter the career development of a person where physical fitness is the qualifying criterion to be shortlisted.
For instance
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, an eager applicant who is willing to join the national army would required to pass a physical test which is impossible for an unhealthy and obese candidate.
thus
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, it can affect the physical
as well as
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 professional life of the minors. in conclusion, privileged global territories are providing facilities to the general public to ensure a better lifestyle which can develop issues related to obesity. In my view, the government should take policy initiatives to promote physical activities and restrict packaged meals and beverages.

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Content
Provide more varied and detailed examples to strengthen the argument further.
Style
Ensure consistency in tone and style; the essay ranges from informal expressions to formal discourse.
Coherence
Your conclusion could benefit from a more definitive statement or recommendation that ties all the points together clearly.
Grammar
Revisit grammatical structures to enhance clarity and avoid small mistakes, like capitalizing the start of new sentences.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly identifies causes such as junk food consumption and lack of physical activity.
Coherence
Logical structure with clear progression and connection between causes and effects.
Coherence
The use of an example adds support to the argument and helps in making the point clear.
Structure
Introduction and conclusion are present and frame the essay well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • processed foods
  • fast food culture
  • screen time
  • metabolic disorders
  • healthcare expenditure
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative strategies
  • nutritional education
  • public health policy
  • body mass index (BMI)
  • emotional well-being
  • stigmatization
  • exercise regimen
  • eating habits
  • junk food
  • socioeconomic factors
  • health literacy
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