IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Health services are a basic necessity. However private companies have made them quite costly foe ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweighs it's disadvantages

#health #services #necessity #companies #foe #individuals #care
Since medical care is indispensable, individual private
healthcare
 providers have made their services expensive for the average citizen. I think the benefits outweigh the detriments
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because even though they are more expensive for the poor masses, it is undeniable that they provide better
quality
 of service.
Firstly
, there is no doubt that one of the merits of private, individual-owned medical
healthcare
 facilities is the top-notch
quality
 service they offer.
Hence
, patients in private medical corporate hospitals often receive more personalized care and faster waiting
as well as
 more advanced medical technologies,
for example
, someone in need of urgent surgery is more likely to receive prompt attention at a private hospital than in a public hospital.
In addition
, privately owned health companies are better maintained and use their funds to invest in
healthcare
 improvements.
In contrast
, one of the drawbacks of private
healthcare
 is the high cost of services that the average person cannot afford.
Therefore
, people are forced to choose between receiving necessary medical treatment and facing the risk of inaccurate diagnosis and lack of quick response in government-owned hospitals.
This
 creates a disparity in access to
quality
healthcare
 between wealthy individuals and the less privileged.
For instance
, since only the rich can afford the exorbitant hospital bills, they occupy a higher percentage of the customers in private
healthcare
 hospitals.
Furthermore
, the profit-driven nature of public health services has led to severe unethical practices. In conclusion,
while
 private
healthcare
 offers
beneficial
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
great benefits in terms of cost, efficiency, and
quality
, its high cost makes it a less favourable option.
Submitted by m.bunmifausat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Expand on the benefits and drawbacks of private healthcare with more detailed examples and arguments.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph logically leads to the next, improving the overall flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
The main points of both benefits and drawbacks are introduced and discussed.
task achievement
High-quality service and cost disparities are valid points that are well-explained.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: