IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

#countries #retirement #age #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There are some advantages and disadvantages of working for a long year and the retirement age has been getting bigger.
For instance
, a company can earn more profit when there are many workers.
However
, old people can easily get tired.
Therefore
,
this
 argument will be helpful in increasing the retirement age or not.
To begin
 with, there are some positive things to increasing the elderliness. First of all, companies can increase their profits more because they have many workers even though they are old.
This
 means that employees in the company can earn more income than before.
Moreover
, the elderly can earn more money, so that they can live without any problems after they retire from their company.
This
 means that old people can live a relaxed life.
On the other hand
, there are some negative things too. Second of all, when people increase their elderly, they might not have enough time to do whatever they want to do.
Such
 as travelling to other countries or playing with grandsons and so on.
Additionally
, increasing the number of elderly will be related to their health.
For instance
, using a laptop for a long time will result in bad eyesight.
Moreover
, working for too long hours per day is not good for the body's health. In conclusion, there are some advantages and disadvantages of increasing the elderly.
For example
, they could earn more money, but they might not have enough time to go somewhere else or do the things that they want to do. In my opinion, I think increasing the retirement age has more disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence & Cohesion
Consider focusing on organizing your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs for advantages and disadvantages, aiding in a clearer argument presentation.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples or data to support your points, which will help demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Clearly link every paragraph to your main thesis stated in the introduction for greater coherence.
Task Response
You have addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age, showing good task coverage.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your personal viewpoint based on the body discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
What to do next:
Look at other essays: