The role of education is to prepare children for the modern world. School should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subject such as information technology. To what extent do you agree.

Education is a part and parcel of
children
's lives, whether curriculum or extracurricular. Several
people
believe that in the modern world,
children
should avoid art and
music
to put all their focus on scientific
subjects
such
as technology. From my perspective, I can't entirely agree with
this
belief since there are individual differences among
children
. Many
people
are talented in arts,
music
, sports, and so on;
however
,
people
, particularly
children
, need to express their energy with something far away from school
subjects
.
This
essay will exhibit the reasons behind
this
phenomenon.  To start with, extracurricular
subjects
play a vital role in promoting
children
's skills.
In other words
, many
children
were born with skills without their knowledge, and in unsystematic
subjects
, they can discover these talents;
however
, they can be creative in that field more than the curriculum subject.
For example
, many artists and musicians are working and earning more than those who only study technology, math, physics, or whatever.
Additionally
, in the modern world,
people
who are working with their talents are more common than in previous generations,
while
previously all
people
were in the same pattern without any developing or discovering skills.
In addition
, many
children
are in need of expressing their energy. It is
also
possible to say that engaging in creative activities
such
as art and
music
allows them to process feelings of frustration or anxiety, which can be particularly beneficial for their mental health.
As a result
, these tiny things can certainly affect their personality in school
as well as
their marks, which can give them the opportunity to study more.
For instance
, if you do two research on two different schools, you will certainly notice that the school with both curriculum and extracurriculars has higher rates than the other one. In conclusion, a balanced education that includes art and
music
is essential for fostering creativity, emotional expression, and
overall
well-being in
children
.
Submitted by talahakoura27 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay presents a coherent argument against the exclusion of arts and music from the curriculum. However, try to organize the ideas more logically within paragraphs to enhance the flow.
coherence cohesion
While there is an introduction and conclusion, consider expanding the conclusion to reinforce your stance and main points further.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are well-supported with examples and evidence. The essay presents good ideas, but they could benefit from more details and examples.
task achievement
The response is clear and mostly comprehensive, but consider integrating more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the argument well.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task, addressing the importance of arts and music in the curriculum.
task achievement
Several relevant ideas are discussed, highlighting the benefits of arts and music for children.
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