IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that success is the best measure for intelligence, while other think that intelligence can be measured in other ways. What is your opinion?

#people #success #measure #intelligence
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Some may think that success reflects the mental capacity of people, but others do not support
this
 idea. I believe that being successful does not mean that one is smart. In fact, children born in influential families have a very high chance of becoming affluent. There are
also
 individuals who became wealthy by winning a lottery.
Firstly
, people who were privileged to be born into rich families have more opportunities to achieve great results in their careers, not necessarily because they are highly qualified. Obviously, persons who have connections in high ranks of corporations or government are highly prone to have better perspectives than those who do not.
On the other hand
, things like health, academic achievements or having healthy and close relationships can reflect the level of intelligence but are not considered to be an indication of success.
For example
, the model Bella Hadid was promoted by her influential family, and now she is one of the most popular and well-paid in the industry.
Secondly
, more and more individuals are winning lotteries, making them very wealthy overnight.
Therefore
, being a millionaire can sometimes be a matter of luck and not a result of a person’s aptitude.
For instance
, in the United Kingdom, there are 22% of participants
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
won
jackpot
Add an article
the jackpot
a jackpot
show examples
 and
as a result
, they were automatically perceived as millionaires which is considered to be successful in the conventional meaning of the word.
Also
, statistics show that the majority of winners lost their wealth because of a lack of money management. In my view, the amount of wealth and popularity is not a measurement of intelligence, and vice versa.
While
 some people are perceived as prosperous because of their material things or public appreciation, it does not mean that they have a higher intellect than others.
Submitted by tomavaleria42 on

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Task response
Consider expanding on the variety of ways intelligence can be measured beyond financial success or family influence. Delve into other areas like emotional intelligence, creative intelligence, etc., to provide a more comprehensive view.
Coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Consider employing more linking words and phrases to enhance the flow and make connections between points even clearer.
Task response
The essay clearly addresses the prompt by presenting reasons why success may not necessarily correlate with intelligence, using relevant examples.
Coherence and cohesion
The introduction sets a clear stance, and the essay maintains focus on the thesis, which enhances the clarity and coherence of the argument.
Task response
Utilizing specific examples like Bella Hadid and lottery winners effectively supports the arguments, providing tangible and relevant illustrations of the points made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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