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Band 7

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases
A variety of technologies has been advancing rapidly, which can be used as surveillance tools because they easily detect shapes, movements, voices, and more.
This
 improvement can lead to beneficial or disastrous outcomes. Personally, I believe that the benefits of advanced technologies will overcome the drawbacks. It is evident that there are some drawbacks, which can greatly affect people’s lives.
Firstly
, there will be less privacy because personal information or activities can be seen clearly by others.
Thus
, they can access them thoroughly without being noticed using various devices.
Secondly
, people will become more anxious as they are being watched by someone continuously, which makes them scared to do their routines or create a high-trust issue with others.
However
, the benefits must be considered as well.
This
 improvement can make society more cautious about how they act and aware of their surroundings, which builds good self-control in them.
Therefore
, crimes need to be reconsidered beforehand since they can be caught quickly.
As a result
, the number of crimes will decrease gradually,
while
 the monitoring technologies significantly enhance and are being used widely. In fact, some people would feel more safe and grateful because crimes can be avoided and they can have a peaceful life without feeling worried. To summarize, the benefits of utilizing monitoring tools will exceed the drawbacks
such
 as less privacy and more
wary
Replace the word
wariness
show examples
 as people can be more careful and sensible in maintaining their actions, impacting the reduced crime number, which would create safe circumstances for societies
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Submitted by hanalyaa29 on

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relevant specific examples
Consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points, such as actual scenarios or experiences where technology monitoring has been beneficial or negative. This will help strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
introduction conclusion present
Ensure that your conclusion ties back to the main points discussed in the essay. A stronger conclusion could summarize the benefits and drawbacks you've mentioned, reinforcing your perspective clearly.
complete response
The essay demonstrates a clear understanding of the topic, providing both potential benefits and drawbacks of technology surveillance.
clear comprehensive ideas
The discussion on the benefits of technology improving self-awareness and reducing crime is well-articulated and insightful.
logical structure
The essay is organized logically, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that discuss both sides of the issue, and a conclusion that emphasizes the writer's perspective.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Surveillance
  • Cell phone tracking
  • Security cameras
  • Privacy invasion
  • Data security
  • Crime prevention
  • Transparency
  • Accountability
  • Customer service
  • Misuse of data
  • Breach
  • Identity theft
  • Autonomy
  • Efficiency
  • Psychological impact
  • Awareness
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