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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike, leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#mass #communication #transport #societies #phenomenon #globalization #people #fear #loss #identity
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It is undeniable that advancement in the ways of commuting and communication plays an important role in spreading the phenomenon known as
globalisation
 on Earth. Some
also
 worry that their own
culture
 will disappear
as a result
 of it. I believe that as society adopts global trends, traditions particular to each
culture
 are at risk of fading away.
Firstly
,
globalisation
 weakens cultural
identity
 through the influence of Western
culture
 which is much more popular among young people nowadays. The spread of Western fashion, food, and
culture
 often dominates local traditions.
Therefore
, they are more influenced by foreign trends and may find it easier to connect with international stars rather than to their old heritage which causes potential harm eroding their cultural
identity
.
For instance
, it is easy to see men and women wearing jeans, skirts and crop tops
instead
 of their cultural clothes
such
 as sarees and dhotis.
Additionally
, the similarity between products and services worldwide decreases the uniqueness of local goods.
However
, international products have much more varieties and are less expensive rather than goods found locally.
Consequently
, People become attracted towards foreign articles.
As a result
, communities may lose pride in their unique creations, contributing to the loss of cultural
identity
.
Also
. language, a crucial aspect of cultural expression affected by
globalisation
 too. As English
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 the widely spoken language here on Earth which replaces many old linguistic groups and by
this
 native languages face the risk of destruction.
To conclude
,
although
globalisation
 promotes an easy exchange of ideas and practices and provides an opportunity for
culture
 to develop and adapt to a more interconnected world, it threatens the safety of cultural
identity
.
Submitted by k7jassu on

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task achievement
Ensure that each point you make is well-supported by examples. While you did mention examples of clothing, additional specific examples could strengthen your points further.
coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your paragraphs so that each one contains a central argument that is clearly presented and explained.
language
Refinement of language and grammar usage can present your argument in a more sophisticated manner, elevating your overall clarity and coherence.
task achievement
You've provided a clear argument against globalization, with some examples, and have recognized its potential influence on cultural identity.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs flow logically, with an introduction outlining your perspective and a conclusion summarizing the main points.
content
You made a good point about how globalization affects language, which is often overlooked in similar discussions.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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