Some people think that children are having too much free time and this time should be used to study more. To what extent do you agree with this statement

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There are people who believe that children should not spend a greater portion of their time freely,
instead
, they should allot most of it to studying. I fairly agree with
this
view. Studying is an important aspect of every child's life because , in
this
way, they will acquire more knowledge academically and be able to give full attention to their studies.
Moreover
, if they allocate most of their free time to reading and answering each homework, it improves their understanding and comprehension skills and become responsible people.
For instance
,
instead
of playing around with other kids, some of them choose to review and study in advance. So,
this
will help them cope with the lessons quickly and effectively.
However
, relaxing is
also
an essential part of learning. Everyone, even adult students needs rest, period to unwind and recharge their body and mind from all the information from school.
For instance
, these days, it is common for students to suffer mental issues
due to
uneasiness because of loads of activities and requirements needed to submit before the due date in the end, all they do is worry and forget the importance of relaxation. Doing recreational activities
such
as sports, talking and playing with friends are great aids for them.
Additionally
,
this
is considered a reward for the child's brain, to give time and focus on their mental health. Eventually,
this
will ease their mind from all the stresses they encounter relating to education. In conclusion, I partially believe that every child should only just study all day because , for me, it is
also
important to focus on their mental and social health. In
this
way, they will not only learn about academic subjects but
also
how to deal with others and themselves.
Submitted by cng123 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical flow. This will strengthen your arguments and make them easier to follow.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. This adds depth to your arguments and illustrates your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on some of your ideas to make them more comprehensive. This can help make your overall argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a good structure.
task achievement
You've addressed both sides of the argument, giving a balanced view. This meets the task achievement criterion well.
task achievement
The essay touches on important aspects of children's education and mental health. These are relevant and add value to your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • mental well-being
  • life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • empathy
  • physical development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • unstructured play
  • cognitive development
  • academic performance
  • fatigue
  • motivation
  • quality over quantity
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • well-rounded personality
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