IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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With the prevalence of mobile
phones
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, mitigating dangerous
information
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 is one of the major challenges which makes
governments
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 interested in accessing cell phone
data
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.
While
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 some argue that call records and messages should be accessible to
governments
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 for safety concerns, others believe that
such
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 private
information
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 should only be accessed by permission.
This
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 essay will discuss both perspectives and present my own opinion. On one hand, given any
security
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threat
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,
governments
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 sometimes need to
access
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 call logs and texts on people's
phones
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. These measurements are taken to ensure the safety of citizens.
For example
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, if there is any
threat
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 of terrorism, accessing
information
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 shared by the wanted individuals is crucial to mitigate any incident.
Therefore
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, based on the intelligence,
security
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 agencies need to
access
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data
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 on mobile
phones
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 to plan their operations and take the necessary steps.
On the other hand
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, some people are not comfortable with
governments
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 accessing private
information
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 on their
phones
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.
Phones
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 are excessively used for communication and
data
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 sharing
such
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 as texting with friends
,
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apply
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 and exchanging family photos. So,
for instance
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, if
security
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 agencies have
access
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 to
this
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data
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then
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 it violates the
privacy
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 of those people.
Thus
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, it is
also
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 important to respect the
privacy
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 of citizens. In my opinion, should a situation arise for the government to
access
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 mobile phone
data
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, they should ask for permission. The moral and ethical code of
privacy
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 should not be breached.
However
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, if there is a serious
threat
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 to citizens' safety
then
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 they can
access
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 the
information
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 of suspects. In conclusion,
although
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 it is important for
governments
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 to
access
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 cell phone
data
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 in certain situations, they should always be mindful of the
privacy
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 of individuals. They can
access
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 the call logs and messages with consent
,
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apply
show examples
 unless there is a
threat
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 of terrorism or national
security
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.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the task by discussing both views and stating your own opinion. To enhance task response, you could provide a few more specific examples to illustrate your points further.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay is well-organized, transitioning between paragraphs could be smoother with additional linking phrases. This will enhance the overall cohesion of the text.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear and sets up the essay effectively, and the conclusion nicely summarizes your position.
task achievement
You present logical arguments for both views and provide a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access
  • privacy
  • communication data
  • public safety
  • terrorist activities
  • serious crimes
  • monitoring
  • tracked
  • unauthorized access
  • fundamental human right
  • abuse of power
  • infringement
  • trust in governmental institutions
  • surveillance capabilities
  • government power
  • overreach
  • strict regulations
  • accountability measures
  • individual rights
  • potential misuse
  • swift interventions
What to do next:
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