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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a stain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with the problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#people #stain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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The number of overweight people is increasing, and
this
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 is causing problems for the healthcare system. Some people believe that the best way to solve
this
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 issue is by adding more physical education
lessons
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 in
schools
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss my opinion on
this
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 idea. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, more
PE
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lessons
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 in
schools
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 could help
children
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 stay healthy and prevent them from becoming overweight. When
children
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 exercise regularly, they can maintain a healthy weight and develop good habits that
last
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 into adulthood.
PE
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lessons
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also
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 teach
children
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 the importance of staying active and enjoying physical activities, which could reduce the risk of
obesity
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 in the future. If
children
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 start exercising at a young age, they may grow up to be healthier adults. Some people believe that simply adding more
PE
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lessons
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 is not enough to solve the problem. They argue that other factors,
such
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 as diet and lifestyle,
also
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 play a big role in preventing
obesity
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.
For example
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,
children
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 may still eat unhealthy foods, even if they have more
PE
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lessons
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. Parents,
schools
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, and communities should
also
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 focus on teaching
children
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 about healthy eating habits and the importance of a balanced diet. It is important to have a complete approach to tackling
obesity
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. In my opinion, adding more
PE
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lessons
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 is a good idea, but it is not the only solution.
Schools
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, parents, and governments should work together to encourage
children
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 to exercise and eat healthy. It is important to teach
children
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 that staying healthy is not just about exercise, but
also
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 about making good food choices. In conclusion,
while
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 more
PE
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lessons
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 can help reduce
obesity
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, it is important to address other factors like diet and lifestyle to fully solve the problem. A balanced approach is needed to improve the health of future generations.
Submitted by muzun0612 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your argument, such as data or studies that support your claims.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly to the next with clear transitions and linking words.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively outlines the main purpose of the essay, making your position clear.
coherence cohesion
You have a well-structured conclusion that summarizes your points and restates the main argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs are organized logically, with each point being introduced, elaborated, and supported to a reasonable extent.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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