The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lesions in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the surging proportion of the obese populace is instilling a profound burden on various healthcare services in order to mitigate the concern related to obese human health.
Moreover
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, proponents believe that the most efficacious strategy which can be used as a remedy to solve
this
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prevailing issue in society is the incorporation of extensive physical learning in any educational institution. In my opinion, I firmly side my conviction in the affirmation of
this
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proposed ideology as it will not only plunge the
overall
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admission rate of unhealthy obese individuals in hospitals but
also
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it will encourage the individuals to foster a healthy and fit
lifestyle
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. Embarking on the discussion, enforcing the culture of physical training and learning at a higher state during the early childhood days of any children, especially during their schooling days will keep them active by obliterating their sedentary
lifestyle
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.
In addition
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,
this
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amendment will decrease the
overall
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admission proportion of the public enrolling themselves in healthcare organizations in order to get treated for their perilous life-threatening conditions arising from being overweight.
Consequently
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, the rising strain on the health-aide society will be diminished, turning it into a more sustainable environment.
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, schools in China have the highest amount of time allotted to the physical education of their kids making them the healthiest group of children in the world.
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, promoting the habit of gaining higher physical education will cultivate a norm of living a healthy and fit
lifestyle
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.
Additionally
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, more and more people will be aware of some exorbitant benefits of
this
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lifestyle
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indulging them to stick to
this
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way of living life forever.
As a result
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, it will improve the health of the general public over the span of decades ending up appreciating the reduction in demand of the healthcare system to support the community of these overweight populations as the amount of
such
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human beings will be decisively lower in the future.
For instance
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, as per a published report from the WHO, the world's population has become twice as healthy compared with the past century
due to
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opting for the trend of living a healthy
lifestyle
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. That being said, the ever-increasing levels of excessively weighted humans may impede the operations in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health-aide societies when compared to its optimal level and the pathway to mitigate
this
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concern is fostering an option of physical education at high standards considering it imperative in educational organisations as it will reduce the admission rate of the public in the hospitals
due to
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their obesity-affected conditions
along with
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that it will motivate the communities to preach a culture of living fit and ailment-free life.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each main point is clearly linked to the thesis statement in the introduction to strengthen coherence.
coherence and cohesion
While your conclusion summarizes the main points, it can be more impactful if you restate the thesis clearly at the end.
task achievement
Some phrases could be simplified for clarity. For instance, 'obliterating their sedentary lifestyle' could be rephrased to 'reducing sedentary habits'.
task achievement
Consider more varied sentence structures to enhance the overall fluency and readability of the essay.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance on the topic and provides relevant examples to support the argument.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as schools in China and the WHO report, effectively supports your main points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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