IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think individuals are more and more dependent on each other. Some people think individuals are more and more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Opinions differ on whether individuals are more independent or not. Some argue that
people
Use synonyms
 become deeply connected with each other because of
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
show examples
 of technology and global trading, leading to increased dependence.
However
Linking Words
, others emphasize the tendency toward independence
due to
Linking Words
 the awareness of self-reliance. Both views are discussed here and I favour the previous one. It is worth noting that some individuals now choose to live alone
instead
Linking Words
 of residing with families or sharing apartments with friends.
This
Linking Words
 group of
people
Use synonyms
 avoid social interactions as well. A typical example can be found in Japan is that a growing number of young generations are opting to stay at home alone after work, supporting life
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their own salary and entertaining themselves by watching movies or playing video games.
However
Linking Words
, when compared with the majority,
this
Linking Words
 is a small portion, and we cannot consider
this
Linking Words
 part as representative of the whole.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the boom of technology and global trading are drives for
people
Use synonyms
 to rely more on each other. Unlike the traditional lifestyle where
people
Use synonyms
 were limited to communicating face-to-face, we now have more ways to achieve
this
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 as through video and instant messaging, which increases the frequency of interaction.
Additionally
Linking Words
, many multinational companies require staff to cooperate across different departments to deal with business.
For example
Linking Words
, staff in McDonald's marketing department collect customer preferences from different countries, and the research department develops new products based on these data
for promoting
Change preposition
to promote
show examples
 new cuisine.
This
Linking Words
 process requires a lot of cooperation and communication among employees.
Besides
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, the prevalence of social media strengthens
people
Use synonyms
’s bond with each other,
such
Linking Words
 as
instagram
Change the capitalization
Instagram
show examples
 and Facebook. In conclusion,
while
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 choose to be solitary,
this
Linking Words
 lifestyle is not mainstream.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I argue that living independently is justified given modern technology and trade practices.

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task achievement
The introduction presents both sides clearly and states your opinion at the end, which is good. However, you may want to expand a bit more on why you favor one side over the other in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Your points are well organized, but some ideas would benefit from smoother transitions. Consider using linking phrases more effectively to improve flow between sentences and ideas.
task achievement
Consider providing more examples related specifically to your argument about dependence, perhaps from different cultures or scenarios. This would enhance the clarity and support of your main points.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. It follows a logical flow, making it easy to follow your argument.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as the situation in Japan and multinational companies like McDonald's, adds credibility to your arguments and supports your points well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
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