IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some modern artists receive huge sums of money for the things they create, while others struggle to survive. Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree? JJ

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In contemporary society, it is evident that certain
artists
Use synonyms
 accumulate substantial wealth through organizing concerts and events,
while
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 others in the creative sector struggle to make ends meet.
This
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 disparity raises questions about the fairness of the financial rewards within the artistic community.
However
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, I firmly contend that it would be inappropriate for governments to intervene in the income distribution of
artists
Use synonyms
, as they are not accountable for the economic outcomes of others. Each individual should have the autonomy to determine their financial path based on their choices and efforts. It is undeniable that successful musicians and renowned
artists
Use synonyms
 earn their incomes
due to
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 a combination of talent and hard work, which is often supported by their dedicated fanbase. The financial rewards they receive are a reflection of their commitment and the value they provide to their audiences.
For instance
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, many
artists
Use synonyms
 invest years into honing their craft and building a loyal following that appreciates their artistry. The revenue they generate is not an unfair acquisition of someone else's earnings, but rather a reward for their contributions to the entertainment industry.
Accordingly
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, it is vital to recognize the dedication and effort that underpins their accomplishments.
Conversely
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, it is important to acknowledge that not all
artists
Use synonyms
 attain the same level of recognition or financial success.
Furthermore
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, individuals outside the artistic realm
also
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 have opportunities to achieve high incomes through various professional paths, often leveraging their specialized skills and expertise. It is crucial to remember that success in any field requires a commitment to personal and professional development.
Additionally
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, I argue that it is unjust for the government to impose regulations on the earnings of successful individuals merely
due to
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 the presence of others who struggle financially. Everyone, regardless of their profession, should strive to enhance their own income potential through hard work and dedication. In conclusion, I assert that government intervention to address perceived income inequality among
artists
Use synonyms
 is neither necessary nor appropriate. Each person is responsible for their career trajectory and the financial rewards they enjoy. Rather than attempting to rectify
this
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 disparity through regulation, it would be more beneficial for individuals to focus on their own growth and opportunities for advancement.

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task achievement
While your essay presents a clear stance, consider providing more nuanced arguments that explore possible points against your viewpoint. This can enhance the depth of your analysis.
coherence and cohesion
Adding transitional phrases can help to further improve the flow between sections, making it easier for readers to follow your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a strong thesis statement and adequately addresses the prompt, reflecting a clear position throughout the response.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are well structured, with each focusing on a distinct idea supported by relevant reasoning, which contributes to a logical progression of thought.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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