IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Health services are the basic necessity for a person. Private companies have make the health services quite costly for ordinary individuals. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh its disadvantages？

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In recent years, there has been a significant increase in the number of private
healthcare
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 centres in many countries, which may be related to people's desire for longer life span. In my view,
this
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 phenomenon has more positive effects. One main benefit is that it is beneficial for the improvement of advanced technology for curing a wide range of diseases. In order to succeed in intense competition, it is essential for every individual company to master some unique techniques to treat some difficult illnesses, like cancers.
Therefore
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, these enterprises are more likely to invest more funds and allocate more human resources to studying cutting-edge methods, compared with state hospitals.
Furthermore
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, personal corporations may
be
Verb problem
provide
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 more customer care to attract more patients and make good profits.
This
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 means there are better facilities, including lifts and beds, and leading surgeons and top physicians, where citizens' diseases can be treated more efficiently and smoothly.
However
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, there may be some drawbacks. To be more specific, the
healthcare
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 price here may be considerably higher than in public hospitals.
This
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 is liable to cause some residents, especially those living in poverty, to lose the chance to cure their suffering and rescue their own lives, which definitely infringes on basic human rights. It is obviously unequal and even leads to the regression of civilization.
On the other hand
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, it is solvable. Governments can make some related laws to reduce the cost or subsidise those companies, particularly the one which has succeeded in creating new treatments. In conclusion, the trend has more merits
due to
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 the improvements in
healthcare
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 technology and service,
while
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 it may give rise to the growth of spending on
healthcare
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.

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a slightly clearer introduction that states your position more explicitly upfront rather than just in the middle of the introduction. This would give a better general overview of what you are going to discuss.
task achievement
Ensure all main ideas are equally developed. For example, your paragraph on disadvantages is somewhat shorter and less detailed compared to the advantages.
coherence cohesion
Try to avoid some repetitive phrases for better readability. For instance, you used 'to be more specific' and 'on the other hand,' which can be replaced with alternatives to enhance variety.
coherence cohesion
Consider adding more transition words and phrases to make your ideas flow more smoothly from one paragraph to another. This will improve the overall cohesiveness of your essay.
task achievement
Your task achievement is strong; you have provided a complete response to the prompt, covering both advantages and disadvantages of private healthcare and concluding with a balanced view.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly organized your ideas into separate paragraphs, which adds to the logical flow and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your use of advanced vocabulary and varied sentence structures is commendable, which elevates the quality of your writing.
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