IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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A few people believe that
art
Use synonyms
 is an integral part of life and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
should be included in children's curriculum. The important form of
arts
Fix the agreement mistake
art
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
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 painting, dancing, music and architecture.
Moreover
Linking Words
, some children are attracted towards arts in their early life and pursue their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
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while
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 others argue that due
technological
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to technological
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 advancements learning traditional
art
Use synonyms
 is a waste of
time
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 since any form of
art
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 can be created within seconds with gadgets like smartphones or laptops. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss both perspectives and state my opinion. On the one side, some individuals think that
art
Use synonyms
 should be included in children's education as a
subject
Use synonyms
 because it offers numerous benefits including development in cognitive functions.
Moreover
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,
art
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 could enhance critical thinking,
problem solving
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problem-solving
show examples
 capacity, language skills and memory.
For example
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, learning
painting
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to paint
show examples
 at
young
Add an article
a young
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 age stimulates the neurons in the brain and improves creativity.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, mastering
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
art
Add an article
the art
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such
Linking Words
 as architecture is greatly rewarding since it is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
highly
Correct quantifier usage
most highly
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 paid
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
 in the world.
For instance
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
countries like Canada and U.K are the best in artistic creations because
art
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 is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 important
subject
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 in their syllabus.
However
Linking Words
, learning
art
Use synonyms
 is
Use synonyms
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
 and passion is essential.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, cutting-edge technologies are available in markets which could mimic artist creations. An example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is oil painting and pencil drawings could be created with artificial intelligence in seconds and it is impossible to differentiate between the traditional ones. Not only that, even music, dance and architecture can all be learned with the help of gadgets. Today, most people are learning acting techniques through different mobile applications rather than
theater
Change the spelling
theatre
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 drama. So, most of the artistic significance are
over thrown
Correct your spelling
overthrown
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 by technological advancements and including
art
Use synonyms
 as a
subject
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 in schools is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, some people believe that including
art
Use synonyms
 as a
subject
Use synonyms
 in schools can significantly improve
coginitive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 function and pave
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 way to achieve dreams in
Use synonyms
art
Correct article usage
the art
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 field
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 others argue that it is
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 technological advancement
has
Wrong verb form
having
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 taken all the artist jobs. I strongly believe that combining traditional arts with technological advancement can improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
productivity so,
art
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
show examples
 should be included in schools.

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Task Achievement
The introduction effectively outlines the essay but could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that explicitly states your opinion. Consider stating your viewpoint more directly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on using more varied sentence structures and vocabulary to enhance the essay's readability. This can also help to engage the reader more.
Task Achievement
You provided a good discussion of both perspectives on the topic, demonstrating an understanding of the issue at hand.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples were used to support your arguments, which is a strength in your writing.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • self-expression
  • critical thinking
  • problem-solving
  • cultural awareness
  • tolerant society
  • STEM subjects
  • employability
  • rigorous subjects
  • curriculum
  • school budgets
  • enriches
  • complements
What to do next:
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