IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that art, such as painting and music, does not improve people’s lives, so the government should not spend money on it. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

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It is argued that the government should not utilize its finances on art,
such
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 as painting and music, as it does not improve an individual's
life
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. I disagree with
this
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 notion,
this
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 essay will explore the reasons with relevant examples in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
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, art,
such
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 as painting, music, and, movies should be promoted, as it contributes to the nation's economy and people's everyday
life
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. Not only does, it provide opportunities for skilled workers, like, singers, composers, movie stars, and, instrumental players, but it
also
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 inclines the country's revenue by paying the taxes from their earnings.
In addition
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,
as well as
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, money comes from live concerts, daily performances, international plays,
theater
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theatre
show examples
 plays, historical paintings, and, traditional museums
also
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 give rise to huge returns to the authorities, which bring into play the sustainable development of the kingdom. The biggest example, is France's traditional museums come up with 1000 million to grow the state's economy.
Secondly
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, artists not only play for their passion but
also
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 express their emotions, it is an effective way to reveal internal feelings through paintings, songs, the creativity of crafts work, and, by playing dramas in the
theater
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theatre
show examples
,
thus
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,
as well as
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, it relieves the stress from workaholic
life
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, well being. I prefer to paint beautiful pictures in my free time, to get some space from my hard-pressed
life
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, it always works like meditation for me, which results in focus and clarity.
To Conclude
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, after analyzing the whole point it has to be neglected that governments should not utilize money on art,
due to
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 its advantages to the realm's finances and individual's well-being,
however
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, its drawbacks can be avoided.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position on the issue, but you could improve it by giving a brief overview of the points you will discuss, which helps guide the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
While your ideas are relevant, be careful with overuse of commas, which can disrupt the flow of your writing. Try to write in a more fluid manner and vary your sentence structures.
task achievement
In your examples, providing specific data or clearer examples would strengthen your arguments. Instead of just stating that France's museums contribute significantly, you might elaborate on how that impacts local communities or economies.
task achievement
Your personal experience with painting adds a valuable touch to your essay.
task achievement
You present good logical points related to the economic impact of art.
task achievement
Understanding the emotional significance of art is a strong point in your argument structure.
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