IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that parents should be responsible for encouraging their children to take regular exercise. Others argue that the main responsibility for encouraging children to do so should lie with schools. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is believed by some that encouraging kids to do regular exercise is
responsibility
Add an article
the responsibility
show examples
 of their
parents
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 other holds the opinion that schools should carry out
this
Linking Words
 regime. In my opinion, a healthy routine should be conducted by
parents
Use synonyms
 more frequently.
Overall
Linking Words
, the schools have often promoted physical activities with existing P. E classes, fitness clubs and sports teams.
Also
Linking Words
, with experienced instructors children are taught about
Correct article usage
the benificial
show examples
benificial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 effects of exercise and correct techniques, which
parents
Use synonyms
 might not be able to.
Along with
Linking Words
 individual training, they can foster a sense of teamwork and social skills through group activities and sports.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage child stay active due
Change preposition
to a
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 sedentary lifestyle adopted by them with constant screen exposure.
This
Linking Words
 has led to more aggressive behaviour and
rise
Correct article usage
a rise
show examples
 in social inflicts among
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
. The other reason is
due to
Linking Words
fast pace
Replace the word
the fast-paced
show examples
eduactional
Correct your spelling
educational
 era they are constantly burdened by heavy
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
 and exams.
This
Linking Words
 tension has led to many mental
issue
Change to a plural noun
issues
show examples
,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can be nulled by
parents
Use synonyms
 to
instilling
Wrong verb form
instil
show examples
 the values related to fitness and
emphasizing
Wrong verb form
emphasise
show examples
 the importance of
balanced
Correct article usage
a balanced
show examples
 lifestyle.
Moreover
Linking Words
, schools have given
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
equal attention to academics and physical activity, promoting
balanced
Add an article
a balanced
show examples
 lifestyle.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 might
ignored
Change the verb form
ignore
show examples
 the value of fitness
due to
Linking Words
busy
Correct pronoun usage
their busy
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 can create
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
show examples
 environment by setting examples by leading them to fun outdoor sports.

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task achievement
Make sure to clarify your opinion more distinctly in the introduction and conclusion. This will provide a clearer position throughout your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. Using linking words can help with this.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments, especially regarding the impact of parental involvement in physical activity.
coherence and cohesion
Check for grammar and vocabulary accuracy, as there are minor errors that could affect clarity and professionalism.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced perspective.
task achievement
You have highlighted the importance of physical activity and its relation to both parents and schools, which is a relevant topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • responsibility
  • encouragement
  • exercise
  • physical activity
  • habits
  • environment
  • motivate
  • support
  • structured programs
  • P.E. classes (Physical Education)
  • social skills
  • sedentary behavior
  • screen time
  • balance
  • health and fitness
  • teamwork
  • outdoor play
  • value of health
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