IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness.’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

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There is a discussion about the relationship between cash and happiness.
This
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 issue has gained significant attention, with some asserting that financial wealth is the basis of a satisfying
life
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,
while
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 others argue that true delight exceeds material properties.
This
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 discussion raises important questions about the true sources of felicity and what factors contribute to a fulfilling
life
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. On one hand, it is undeniable that well-being can significantly enhance our quality of
life
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. Financial stability allows individuals to meet their basic needs,
such
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 as food, shelter, and healthcare.
For instance
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, consider a popular tourist destination like Disneyland. Many families save funds for years to visit the magical place, believing it will create unforgettable memories and felicity for them. The joy experienced at Disneyland can be linked to the financial resources that enabled the trip, showcasing how funds can facilitate bliss in certain contexts.
On the contrary
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,Numerous studies have shown that after reaching a certain income level, additional wealth does not connect with increased joy. A notable example is the famous actor Jim Carrey, who once said, "I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." Despite his wide wealth and success, Carrey emphasizes that true fulfilment often comes from personal connections and a sense of aim. In conclusion, whilst finance can undoubtedly contribute to a comfortable lifestyle, it is not the key to a happy
life
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.
Instead
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, the importance of relationships, personal supplements, and a feeling of purpose cannot be exaggerated.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and presents a perspective on the issue, but it could be more engaging or thought-provoking to draw the reader in. Consider rephrasing for a stronger hook.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion summarizes your main points well but could be expanded to offer a more impactful final thought or reflection on the discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is organized logically, with clear paragraphing. However, ensure that all transitions are smooth and that you maintain a consistent tone throughout.
task achievement
Consider providing more clarification or depth in your explanation of how financial stability enhances quality of life; this would strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples, such as the mention of Disneyland and Jim Carrey, which effectively illustrate your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your points are articulated clearly, and there is a good balance between discussing both sides of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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