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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how can it be addressed?

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In many countries, doctors are saying that
people
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 usually
work
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 less than they should. Since
people
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 focus on working performance, they prioritise their career growth rather than taking care of their physical health.
However
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,
this
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 issue can be solved by government-sponsored campaigns that provide useful information for all citizens. Individuals, nowadays,
work
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 from 9 to 5 or even overtime, reducing their time for
exercise
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.
Due to
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 more responsibilities with age,
people
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 are forced to earn more money to cover their higher expenses, so they choose to
work
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 harder, and
this
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 makes them exhausted.
Moreover
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, workers
also
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 prefer to have some relaxation by having a good dinner
instead
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 of pushing themselves to do any physical workout.
For example
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, in many Asian countries, the most popular activities surveyed are hanging out with friends or eating
instead
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 of playing sports or exercising. One of the possible viable solutions is to raise awareness via public campaigns, which should be promoted everywhere. If
people
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 are educated on the effects of inadequate
exercise
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 and the positive impacts of being physically healthy, they will be aware and eventually interested in exercising.
For instance
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, the Thai government published a viral campaign on Skytrains to convince
people
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 to
exercise
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 more and
also
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 suggested easy ways to complete workouts at home.
As a result
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, the frequency of
exercise
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 reported increased. In conclusion,
although
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people
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 tend to have not enough physical workouts because of hard
work
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 and having less free time, viral awareness-raising campaigns can be one of the practical solutions to address
this
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 issue.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer. Consider restating the prompt more directly and outlining the main points you will discuss in the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports your thesis with clear paragraphing. For instance, transition phrases could improve flow between ideas, especially in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
Expand on your examples with more detail to provide depth to your arguments. This would enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your ideas.
task achievement
Good use of relevant examples, such as the Thai government campaign, that illustrate your points clearly.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • digital entertainment
  • physical inactivity
  • recreational facilities
  • modern conveniences
  • remote work
  • high stress levels
  • streaming services
  • video games
  • social media
  • physical activity
  • accessibility
  • public awareness campaigns
  • health benefits
  • habit formation
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