IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Athough some people feel children should be made to leave their parents at a certain age, others believe they do not need to. Discuss both views and give your opinion. give ideas

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Many think that children should leave their
families
Use synonyms
 and homes at a certain age,
while
Linking Words
 others think the opposite. I agree with the first view because some teenagers can leave their
families
Use synonyms
 in order to get a better education and find a fulfilling job.
To begin
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 with, the notable reasons to leave their households are educational and economic purposes.
That is
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 because geographic reasons can hinder the creation of successful academic and business lives.
For instance
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, in Asia, there are few universities which have international diplomas;
therefore
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, students want to create their lives in Europe because of the high quality of the education system. In terms of business life, they do not have a wide range of opportunities to invest funds in any field in Asian countries as in Europe.
On the other hand
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, some children can make their lives with their parents. It can depend on their criteria
such
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 as strong bonds with
families
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 and financial and cultural factors.
For example
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, it is common for children to live with their parents until marriage or financial stability is achieved. Without adapting to the real world, they are likely to suffer from economic burdens, which often
happens
Correct subject-verb agreement
happen
show examples
 in poor
families
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. At Cambridge University, one report illustrates that most people leave their
families
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due to
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 financial issues; thereby, living with
families
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 can facilitate the adaptation process. In conclusion,
while
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 living with households has certain facilities
such
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 as financial aid, living with
families
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 at a certain age may not give them more beneficial opportunities like studying at an international university and more acceptable business opportunities.

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What works well

2
Coherence and Cohesion

Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, making it easy to follow your argument.

Task Achievement

You present relevant points in support of your argument and acknowledge the opposing view, which shows critical thinking and balance.

Improvement Suggestions

3
Task Achievement

While your introduction presents both views well, it could be strengthened by including a clearer thesis statement that outlines your opinion more explicitly. This will guide the reader on what to expect in your argument.

Coherence and Cohesion

Your ideas are generally well-organized, but consider using more cohesive devices (such as linking words) to help with the flow of your arguments. For example, phrases like 'on the contrary' or 'in addition' could enhance clarity.

Task Achievement

Some examples provided, particularly the one about studying in Europe, could be expanded to include more specific details and contexts to clarify your point further. Elaborating on these examples would enhance the quality of your argument.

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