IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Athough some people feel children should be made to leave their parents at a certain age, others believe they do not need to. Discuss both views and give your opinion. give ideas

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Many think that children should leave their
families
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 and homes at a certain age,
while
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 others think the opposite. I agree with the first view because some teenagers can leave their
families
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 in order to get a better education and find a fulfilling job.
To begin
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 with, the notable reasons to leave their households are educational and economic purposes.
That is
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 because
,
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apply
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 geographic reasons can hinder to make successful academic and business
life
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.
For instance
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, in Asia, there are few universities which have international diplomas,
therefore
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, students want to create their
life
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 in Europe, because of the high quality of the education system. In terms of business
life
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, they do have not a wide range of opportunities to invest funds in any field in Asian countries as in Europe.
On the other hand
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, some children can make their
life
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 with their parents. It can depend on their criteria
such
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 as strong bonds with
families
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 and financial and cultural factors.
For example
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, it is common for children to live with their parents until marriage or financial stability is achieved. Without adapting to the real world, they can likely suffer from economic burdens which often happens in poor
families
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. At Cambridge University, one report illustrates that most people leave their
families
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due to
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 financial issues, thereby living with
families
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 can facilitate the adaptation process. In conclusion,
while
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 living with households has certain facilities
such
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 as financial aid, living with
families
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 at a certain age can give them more beneficial opportunities like studying at an international university and more acceptable business purposes

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task achievement
Consider developing your main points further with more detailed explanations and examples. This will enhance the clarity and comprehensiveness of your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow between paragraphs by using clearer linking phrases and transitions. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your introduction outlines the key points you will discuss. This creates a stronger framework for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, summarize the main arguments more succinctly and ensure that it reflects your overall opinion clearly. This ties your essay together.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic, which demonstrates a strong engagement with the prompt.
task achievement
You use relevant examples that are based on real-world scenarios, which adds credibility to your arguments.
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