IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy? (Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.)

Some people believe that plenty of
money
Use synonyms
 is the key to living a happy
life
Use synonyms
, which might be
due to
Linking Words
 the privilege that
such
Linking Words
amount
Correct article usage
an amount
show examples
 of
money
Use synonyms
 can offer.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 wealth is not the only factor that leads to happiness, family ties are one of the reasons to be happy. It's undeniable that
money
Use synonyms
 is the engine of many
things
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that to create a content
life
Use synonyms
 you need a good amount of
money
Use synonyms
 to live a decent
life
Use synonyms
 and be able to study, travel, and have food and shelter.
Therefore
Linking Words
, living in financial instability might affect the feeling of satisfaction and safety leading individuals to experience hopelessness and sadness. To illustrate, recent studies have shown that having a certain number of
money
Use synonyms
 goes hand in hand with the feeling of fulfilment and self-contentment
due to
Linking Words
 the privileges that come with wealth.
However
Linking Words
, being wealthy isn't necessarily the only way to achieve a pleasant
life
Use synonyms
. There are
things
Use synonyms
 in
life
Use synonyms
 that are priceless,
such
Linking Words
 as family and
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means that you can have all the
money
Use synonyms
 in the world but it won't be relevant to having a family and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good
health
Use synonyms
.
Thereby
Rephrase
Therefore
show examples
, it's important to focus on feeding the
things
Use synonyms
 that contribute to having a cheerful, balanced
life
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, a study shows that family and
health
Use synonyms
 are essential contributors to true happiness. In conclusion, having a good income will make an individual's
life
Use synonyms
 easier and happier thanks to the advantages that it provides. Yet, other
things
Use synonyms
 like family and
health
Use synonyms
 are needed to ensure our contentment in
life
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Although your introduction provides a clear statement of the topic, consider rephrasing for clarity by combining ideas. For instance, 'While many believe that money is the primary key to happiness, family bonds also play a significant role.'
task achievement
Make sure to fully support your main ideas with more specific examples or anecdotes, as this will strengthen your argument. You mentioned studies, but providing the source or specific findings would enhance your points.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a well-defined structure, however, ensure each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. This will improve the logical flow between sentences and ideas.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, reiterate the main points more forcefully for emphasis, perhaps by summarizing both the benefits of money and the irreplaceable value of family and health.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both sides of the argument regarding happiness and money, making it a balanced response.
coherence and cohesion
Overall, the logical structure of the essay is clear, with a distinct introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Wealth
  • Affluence
  • Prosperity
  • Financial security
  • Opportunities
  • Options
  • Experiences
  • Enjoyment
  • Helping others
  • Generosity
  • Philanthropy
  • Achieving goals
  • Realizing dreams
  • Peace of mind
  • Reduced stress
What to do next:
Look at other essays: