IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Today our communications, medicine and transport systems all depend on computer technology. Our reliance on computer technology in these fields has created a dangerous situation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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In today's world,
computers
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 play a crucial role in
communication
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, medicine, and transportation.
While
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 some argue that our reliance on computer
technology
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 creates significant
risks
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, I believe that the benefits far outweigh the dangers.
Firstly
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, in
communication
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,
computers
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 enable instant global connectivity through emails, video calls, and social media. Businesses and individuals rely on these tools for efficiency and convenience.
While
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 cybercrime and data breaches pose threats, strong cybersecurity measures and encryption technologies can mitigate these
risks
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. The advantages of rapid and seamless
communication
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 far exceed the potential dangers.
Secondly
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, in medicine, advanced computer
technology
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 has revolutionized diagnostics, robotic surgery, and patient records. AI-driven diagnostics detect diseases early, improving treatment success rates,
while
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 automated systems help reduce human errors in hospitals.
Although
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 a system failure or cyberattack could disrupt medical services, manual backups and trained professionals ensure continuity.
Therefore
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, the
risks
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 are manageable compared to the life-saving advancements
computers
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 bring.
Lastly
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, transportation has significantly improved with computer-based navigation, traffic control, and autonomous vehicles. GPS
technology
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 prevents accidents by providing real-time traffic updates, and self-driving
technology
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 aims to reduce human error-related crashes.
While
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 concerns about system failures and hacking exist, rigorous testing, fail-safe mechanisms, and human supervision reduce these
risks
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, making transportation safer and more efficient. In conclusion,
while
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 our dependence on
computers
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 in
communication
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, medicine, and transport does pose certain
risks
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, these are largely preventable with proper security and backup systems. The efficiency, accuracy, and safety that computer
technology
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 offers make it indispensable.
Therefore
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, I strongly disagree that our reliance on
computers
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 has created a dangerous situation.

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task achievement
The essay is well-structured and covers the prompt thoroughly, but may benefit from considering counterarguments more deeply to strengthen your position.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are consistently supported with examples to enhance the argument's persuasiveness in some areas.
coherence and cohesion
Transitions between paragraphs are smooth, but adding varied linking phrases might improve flow even further.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant, effectively summarizing your views; further elaboration on the counterarguments might add depth.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance, effectively outlining the benefits of computer technology in the specified fields.
task achievement
The use of specific examples in each paragraph helps to demonstrate your points, making the argument more relatable.
coherence and cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is strong, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay benefits from varied vocabulary and sentence structures, making it engaging to read.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • reliance
  • cybersecurity
  • over-reliance
  • digital divide
  • data breach
  • cyberbullying
  • diagnostic machines
  • electronic health records
  • automated vehicles
  • predictive maintenance
  • real-time monitoring
  • vulnerability
  • misinformation
  • hacking
  • efficiency
  • navigation systems
  • traditional skills
  • system failures
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