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Writing Samples
Band 7

In some countries young people are not only richer, but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are often less happy. What do you think are the reasons for this and what can be done to help?

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It is true that
while
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 living in some countries, young people are more affluent,
as well as
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 healthier and more secure. In
this
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 essay, I will highlight two principal reasons for
this
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 phenomenon and go on to offer ways of solving it. The first factor which might influence the level of youth's happiness and sustainability is the level of economy of the area they reside in. If someone lives in a developed country, they are provided with a higher level of goods and services, which, in turn, enables them to receive better medical services, food, and employment opportunities,
while
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 in areas with lower economic levels, young citizens are quite often deprived of these.
For example
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, in some African countries, the
population
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 might suffer from malnutrition or the absence of workplaces.
As a result
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, their livelihood cannot be sustainable. To tackle
this
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 problem, the government should launch a program to support the young
population
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. An appropriate sum must be allocated to each young person so that they can spend it on their basic daily needs or their studies.
As a result
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, they will be able to succeed and feel safe.
Moreover
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, different cultures across the globe make the young segment of the
population
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 comply with different restrictions. It might be related to the ways of spending their leisure time or their diet.
For instance
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, in some countries, youngsters cannot listen to specific music styles, as it is prohibited by their religion. These rules might affect their mental health significantly. In order to address
this
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 issue, young people must be allowed to make their own
choice
Fix the agreement mistake
choices
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 when they become adults. By doing so, parents will increase the bond with their offspring, ensuring their feeling of safety. In conclusion, I have presented two possible reasons for the different levels of the young segment of the
population
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's happiness,
as well as
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 offer two approaches which can mitigate
this
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 problem.

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task achievement
While your introduction clearly outlines your intention, try to specify what those 'two principal reasons' are that you will discuss. This will guide the reader better and enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a smoother transition between paragraphs. For instance, when moving from discussing economic factors to cultural restrictions, a transitional phrase would help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
In your conclusion, you restate your points effectively, but it would be more impactful if you included a brief summary of the implications of your solutions. This reinforces your argument and leaves the reader with a stronger final impression.
task achievement
Your use of relevant examples, such as the situation in African countries, supports your arguments effectively and illustrates your points well.
coherence and cohesion
You have presented your ideas in a well-organized manner, which makes it easier for the reader to follow your reasoning on youth happiness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Elderly
  • Accumulated wisdom
  • Tradition and history
  • Guidance
  • Family life
  • Cultural practices
  • Innovation
  • Technological advancement
  • Economic productivity
  • Adaptable
  • Globalized societies
  • Physical attributes
  • Labor force
  • Economic growth
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