IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people thinks that people should choose their job based on income in order to provide security for their family. Do you think the money is an important factor when choosing a job? What other factors can be considered?

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When Choosing a Professional
Career
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, What Comes First: Money, Passion, or Something Else? Some people believe that
income
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 is the primary factor when selecting a
career
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. In today’s modern world, I believe that most
individuals
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 choose their jobs based on salary, as financial
stability
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 ensures security for their families.
This
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 essay will explore the various factors that influence
career
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 choices and highlight the importance of
income
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 in making
this
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 decision.
Although
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 salary plays a crucial role, other factors should
also
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 be considered when choosing a
career
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. One significant factor is passion. When
individuals
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 pursue a profession they are passionate about, they experience greater job satisfaction and motivation, even during challenging times. A passion-driven
career
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 ensures long-term engagement and personal
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
. Another key consideration is sustainability. Before choosing a profession,
individuals
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 must research its long-term prospects.
For instance
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, industries
such
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 as artificial intelligence and renewable energy are expected to grow,
whereas
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 some traditional jobs may become obsolete
due to
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 automation. If a chosen field lacks
stability
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, switching careers later can be difficult and require additional training or education. Despite these considerations, I believe that
income
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 remains the most critical factor. Financial security is essential for fulfilling personal and family responsibilities. With the rising cost of living
due to
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 global inflation, a well-paying job enables
individuals
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 to afford housing, healthcare, education, and other necessities.
For example
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, many couples delay having children because they cannot afford the expenses associated with raising a child,
such
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 as clothing, toys, and schooling. Without a stable
income
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, it becomes challenging to maintain a comfortable and secure lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, financial stress can negatively impact mental well-being and
overall
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 quality of life.
Thus
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, a
career
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 that provides a good salary ensures both personal and financial
stability
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. Choosing the right
career
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 is a crucial decision that affects long-term well-being.
While
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 passion and sustainability are important, financial
stability
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 ultimately plays the most significant role in
career
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 selection. A well-paying job not only secures the future but
also
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 ensures a better quality of life.
Therefore
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, in my opinion,
income
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 should be the top priority when choosing a professional
career
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.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly presents your opinion and outlines the main points you will discuss, which is excellent. However, consider slightly rephrasing to make it more engaging and less formulaic.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay well with clear paragraphs focused on different aspects of your argument. To improve coherence, ensure that all transitions between ideas are smooth and logical.
task achievement
While you provide good examples, including a wider range of specific examples could enhance your argument. This would strengthen your point about financial security and its impact on life choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear structure, making it easy to follow the argument.
task achievement
You effectively emphasize the importance of income while acknowledging other factors, showcasing a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • job satisfaction
  • fulfillment
  • mental health
  • aligns with
  • productive career
  • career progression
  • growth potential
  • work-life balance
  • flexible hours
  • telecommuting
  • vacation time
  • professional responsibilities
  • working environment
  • corporate culture
  • toxic environment
  • stress and burnout
What to do next:
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