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Writing Samples
Band 7

Many young people say that mobile phones are the most important object that they own. Does the popularity of mobile phones among young people have more advantages or disadvantages?

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Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 become an essential device in our daily lives basis, as the younger generation views them as their most fundamental belonging. The popularity of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 provides more advantages, as it allows the young workforce to do their tasks from anywhere and more time efficiently.
However
Linking Words
, there are some drawbacks as work-life balance and some health issues. As for benefits, the devices provide a new and more effective working style as an alternative to a conventional office. Nowadays,
phones
Use synonyms
 contain almost as many functions as laptops,
hence
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, there is no limitation for work in terms of time and place.
For example
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, salesmen can use social platforms to communicate, send information and secure deals with clients throughout the day, without showing up
in particular
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 places.
Also
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, the convenience of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 allows people to be productive, by doing several tasks at once, which is quite beneficial for two jobbers.
In contrast
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, being able to communicate anywhere and anytime
also
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 results in negative impacts. As limitations of communication are eliminated, it leads to
contacting
Wrong verb form
contact
show examples
 for work issues outside working hours, which can invade personal time.
In addition
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, long hours of using the devices have consequences in dry eyes, eyesight problems, or even psychological effects, like shorter focus, or aggressive behaviour. In conclusion, mobiles are now extremely crucial for human living. It provides obvious positive changes to our lives,
such
Linking Words
 as more efficiency in work and more income.
However
Linking Words
, it can
also
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 cause poor work-life balance and health problems with excessive use.

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task achievement
Consider expanding your examples to provide greater depth and clarity, particularly in the discussion of disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs for better flow.
task achievement
The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, clearly indicating the topic and stating a position.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your key points, reinforcing your overall argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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