IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many believe that modern technology has brought people together, but others say that it has driven us apart. Discuss both viewpoints and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

There is no denying the fact that
technology
Use synonyms
 plays
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 lives.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held
beliefs
Fix the agreement mistake
belief
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
be
Verb problem
communicate
show examples
 more
communicated
Verb problem
apply
show examples
through
technology
Use synonyms
 in modern life,
Linking Words
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there is an argument that opposes that.
This
Linking Words
 essay will analyse
this
Linking Words
 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On one hand,
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 facilitates the meeting of
people
Use synonyms
 through various platforms.
In other words
Linking Words
, individuals send pictures or videos through many applications. They can share their memories and happy hours
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
facebook
Capitalize word
Facebook
show examples
,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a result,
Add an article
a friend
the friend
show examples
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 may know your news.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
technology
Use synonyms
 , not only includes
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 planes and other vehicles, which make
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
movement easier, so
people
Use synonyms
 can visit their families promptly.
For example
Linking Words
, the
people
Use synonyms
 , who live abroad
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 home country, have started to be more
commnicative
Correct your spelling
communicative
 to their families. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 hand, individuals have become more isolated it is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that, there is no
face to face
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 they spend their time on screen not a
humman
Correct your spelling
human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, many children spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 on electronic devices, and that could decrease their activities. They do not
encage
Correct your spelling
engage
show examples
 in family activities. They have no interest in meeting families and friends,as they engage fully in playing with electronic devices.
For instance
Linking Words
, there is an increase in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who have autism, which
belong
Change the verb form
belongs
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to mobiles or
ipads
Correct your spelling
pads
. In conclusion, there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 no easy
answars
Correct your spelling
answers
answer
 to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that it is true that
technology
Use synonyms
 makes
people
Use synonyms
well- connected
Correct your spelling
well-connected
show examples
 through many platforms and vehicles.
Moreover
Linking Words
, children become more isolated, and I suggest
to encourge
Verb problem
encouraging
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 by many activities
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 arranging a
compaign
Correct your spelling
campaign
 in parks, including their main figures.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction provides a good overview of the topic, but could be clearer in stating your position. Try to include a direct thesis statement outlining your opinion more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for grammatical errors and phrasing issues. For example, 'crucial role in people lives' should be 'crucial role in people's lives.'
coherence and cohesion
Incorporate more varied sentence structures to enhance the readability and flow of your essay. This will help maintain reader interest and improve clarity.
task achievement
You successfully presented arguments from both sides of the debate, which shows a balanced perspective on the issue.
task achievement
Your examples, although needing some clarification, show your effort to relate personal knowledge to the argument, which strengthens your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • connectivity
  • communicate
  • social media
  • virtual meetings
  • global community
  • isolation
  • distract
  • face-to-face interaction
  • personal connections
  • dependency
  • technology addiction
  • digital divide
What to do next:
Look at other essays: