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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished the same way as adults.

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The issue of whether young
people
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 who commit serious
crimes
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 should be punished the same
way
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 as
adults
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 has sparked considerable debate.
While
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 some argue that the severity of the crime should determine the punishment, regardless of age, others believe that young offenders should be treated differently.
This
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 essay will argue that
while
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 serious
crimes
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 should be met with consequences, young
people
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 should not be punished in the same
way
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 as
adults
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due to
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 their developmental stage . Young
people
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 are still growing and developing, both mentally and emotionally. Their brains are not fully developed, especially in areas that help them make good decisions and control their actions. Because of
this
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, young offenders may not fully understand the consequences of their actions. Punishing them the same
way
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 as
adults
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 ignores these differences.
Instead
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, they should be given a punishment that considers their age and allows for their growth,
such
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 as
counseling
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counselling
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 or education. Young
people
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 have a higher chance of changing their
behavior
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behaviour
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 and becoming better members of society. The goal of the justice system should not only be punishment but
also
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 giving young
people
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 the chance to change. Many young offenders commit
crimes
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due to
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 difficult circumstances, like family problems or peer pressure. If we focus on rehabilitating them, rather than punishing them harshly, they may learn from their mistakes and become productive members of society in the future. In conclusion,
while
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 serious
crimes
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 should have consequences, young
people
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 should not be punished in the same
way
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 as
adults
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. Because they are still developing, have a better chance of rehabilitation, and may face harm in adult prisons, they deserve a different approach.

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relevant specific examples
Consider providing specific examples or cases to illustrate your points more effectively, especially regarding the reasons young people commit crimes and potential rehabilitation outcomes.
logical structure
Ensure that each paragraph maintains a clear focus, and clearly link your points back to the main argument to enhance the logical flow between ideas.
introduction conclusion present
You could strengthen your introduction by briefly outlining the main arguments you will discuss in the essay.
clear comprehensive ideas
Your essay presents a clear argument and maintains a consistent stance throughout, which is commendable.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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