IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays,
people
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 have a harsh schedule of
work
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 and they do not get enough
time
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 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise
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, or many of them just do very little
exercise
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, and sometimes
this
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 causes health-related issues. I will explain in the next paragraph what the possible reasons are behind working
people
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 not doing
exercise
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,
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apply
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 and a solution for
this
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 problem. First and foremost, in
this
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 modern era of technology, many individuals
work
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 either in the office or from home, where they sit in front of the screen and do their
work
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 all day without doing any kind of workout.
For example
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, an IT professional has to do their job most of the
time
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 on a screen, which does not require any physical movement of the body, and sometimes it leads to back
problems
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 because of excessive sitting.
Moreover
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,
people
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 have hectic schedules of
work
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 and they have a deadline to submit the
work
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, which is
also
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 one of the reasons behind they do not get enough
exercise
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because
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apply
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after having a full day of stress they are tired do any other
work
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,
such
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 as normal walking around the street or go to gym even if they have free
time
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.
However
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,
this
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 leads to many health
problems
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,
such
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 as back pain,
poor
Correct word choice
and poor
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 eyesight, if they
work
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 on the screen every day.
In addition
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 to solving
this
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 problem,
people
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 have to take a step towards the health side on their own.
For instance
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, they have to join the gym or have to go to the park in the early morning or in their free
time
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 to do at least one
exercise
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 to keep them fit and away from
problems
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.
Furthermore
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, the government can do something like run a campaign about the benefits of the workout, as well they have to encourage the youth in a way that they can understand the importance of
exercise
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. In conclusion, the hectic schedules and rush to meet the deadlines of
work
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 keep
people
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 away from the workout and lead to health
problems
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.
However
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,
people
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 have to make their schedule for the minimum
exercise
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 to stay healthy and join a community where they can go and do some
exercise
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.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the paragraphs could be better organized to enhance the flow of ideas. Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main point to strengthen your logical structure.
task achievement
You provided relevant reasons for the lack of exercise, but additional examples or more detailed explanations would make your arguments more comprehensive. Consider elaborating on the health problems caused by a sedentary lifestyle.
coherence and cohesion
Some phrases and sentences were slightly awkward or unclear. Revising for clarity and conciseness can improve the overall quality of your writing. For instance, rephrase "the hectic schedules of work" to "hectic work schedules" for better fluency.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both parts of the prompt effectively and shows an understanding of the issue of exercise among working people.
task achievement
You've demonstrated a good attempt to provide solutions to the problem, which showcases critical thinking and engagement with the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Time constraints
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Passive leisure activities
  • Workplace wellness programs
  • Active commuting
  • Subsidized
  • Public awareness
  • Health benefits
  • Incentivizing
  • Accessible public spaces
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