IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Getting promotion is one of the biggest drives to apply themselves and work hard in the modern work place. Why do you think people are so driven to get promotion? What other factors influence people to work hard?

Nowadays , the main reason that lets employees work harder is to be upgraded in their jobs. A portion of employees are acting like
this
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 , so they will have a better life in the future ,
while
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 there are others who want to be famous. The majority of people want to have an easy life in the future, so they have to make a big effort at their job in that way they will get upgraded as soon as possible . If they did that , they would get a high salary , so they
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 live in a better environment .
As a result
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 , in the next few years, they could retire without getting worried.
For instance
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 , they will have a lot of money , which could be more than enough for them .
On the other hand
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 , more and more employees are feeling lonely and do not have somebody to talk to , so the idea that they think it is perfect is working hard to be a boss .
For example
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 , I have a friend who has almost the same situation, she keeps doing her tasks without stopping, so she gets upgraded and gets what she wants , which is having the attention of everyone and making a lot of friends.
To sum up
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 ,
according to
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 what has been previously mentioned, I totally think that almost everyone will try to work without stopping , so they could be a manager ,
as a result
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 when they grow up , they will retire at an early age and have a lot of money .

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coherence and cohesion
Consider using clearer topic sentences in each paragraph to clearly convey the main idea of that paragraph.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples that are directly related to the points you’re making, rather than generalized statements.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear link to the thesis statement to maintain focus throughout the essay.
task achievement
You addressed the question by discussing reasons for seeking promotions and other factors that motivate hard work.
task achievement
The personal example of your friend provides a relatable touch to your argument, making your essay more engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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