IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of money. Others feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individuals and in society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

These days, celebration has become a global phenomenon
due to
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 a recent study that shows an enormous number of
people
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 have participated in personal
celebrations
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.
However
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, some
people
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 believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of money. Others think that these
celebrations
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 play a significant role in the lives of individuals and in the community as a whole. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views with reasons and provide relevant examples of why I totally support the latter. On the one hand, those who think
celebrations
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 are a waste of money have a main reason supporting their concept. Saving money is a necessity to secure ourselves financially in the future.
In other words
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, everyone has to ensure his/her financial standing by taking the correct options and making sacrifices to build a comfortable and decent life in the future.
For instance
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, purchasing assets and investments as a minor income that supports retirement life, because pension is usually low.
On the other hand
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, many individuals believe in celebrating personal events that play a magnificent role in
people
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's lives and society. The major reason behind
that is
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 that celebrating personal events is crucial to recharge our energy to proceed toward our goals. To illustrate, the majority of individuals need to share their special moments with someone like family or friends which gives them a powerful feeling to stand up and move on.
Also
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, the desire to have
people
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 around you
,
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apply
show examples
 has a huge impact on many. In my opinion,
celebrations
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 have a good influence on
people
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, so let us celebrate our successes, special moments, and everything
nevertheless
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, we should take care of our budget and make these parties affordable. In conclusion, everything in our life depends on our ability and desire, so do whatever you want as long as you can afford it and it's not harmful to anyone.

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coherence and cohesion
Your essay presents a clear discussion on both views regarding the celebration of personal events. However, it could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the arguments, especially for the opposing viewpoint, to achieve higher coherence in your overall structure.
task achievement
While your examples support your opinion well, consider providing more detailed examples or statistics to strengthen your claims further. This would enhance your argument's persuasiveness and depth, particularly in the 'task achievement' category.
positive
The essay effectively outlines both sides of the argument and presents a clear personal opinion, demonstrating a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • lavish parties
  • essential expenditures
  • financial stress
  • lasting memories
  • social bonds
  • emotional support
  • familial and social ties
  • mental health
  • community cohesion
  • cultural heritage
  • sense of identity
  • traditional practices
  • sense of belonging
  • continuity
  • unique cultural aspects
  • personal well-being
  • routine
  • life satisfaction
  • reasonable budget
  • cost-effective
  • potluck parties
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