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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to solve this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some of the public feel that the optimum way to address the strain that the rising number of obese
people
Use synonyms
 put on the healthcare system is to add
in
Change preposition
apply
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more physical education classes in an effort to tackle the health issues involved. I disagree to a certain extent and will explain why a prevention measure is a better approach.
While
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 many think that extra lessons on the human physique could help curb the increasing amount of
people
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 becoming obese, it might not be the best solution.
Firstly
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 just being educated on the topic is not enough, but as
community
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a community
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, we should implement a system that will encourage the masses to eat healthy from the start as a way to prevent the population from becoming overweight. As
such
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, the government should
place
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 a tax on
sugar
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, the main culprit of creating health issues as over-processed foods that contain a lot of
sugar
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 affect the
overall
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 health of a person the most.
For example
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, marketing and advertisements tend to push sugary cereals as a healthy breakfast choice when it is obviously not, considering how high the amount of
sugar
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 is present as an ingredient.
Therefore
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, once a
sugar
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 tax is in
place
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, the cost of overly sweet food items would deter consumers from purchasing and consuming them.
As a result
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,
this
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 would lead to more
people
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 opting for healthier choices for breakfast,
such
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 as oatmeal, greek yoghurt and fruits. Aside from diet, promoting a healthy lifestyle is another great way to nip the flower in the bud.
For example
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, making sure that new parents and young children are educated on nutrition can help prevent the population from growing fat in the first
place
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. In conclusion, I disagree that introducing more physical education courses would help much in terms of helping to shoulder the pressure that the increasing number of overweight
people
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 put on the healthcare system. Rather, it is better to
place
Use synonyms
 taxes on
sugar
Use synonyms
 and promote a healthy lifestyle.

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task achievement
Consider providing more detailed explanations and examples to strengthen your main points. For instance, elaborating on how a sugar tax could effectively change consumer behavior would enhance your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that transitions between your paragraphs are smooth and clear. For example, linking the conclusion back to your introduction could create a stronger sense of closure.
task achievement
You have presented a clear stance on the topic and logically structured your argument, which is a strong point of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of examples, such as the impact of sugary cereals, effectively illustrates your main points, making your argument more relatable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • healthcare system
  • health issues
  • physical education
  • promote
  • healthy lifestyles
  • fitness
  • motivation
  • supportive environment
  • community sports
  • multi-faceted approach
  • accessibility
  • recreational facilities
  • healthy eating habits
  • government policies
  • intervention
  • wellness
  • lifestyle changes
  • preventative measures
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